It’s late, but I wanted to post something to keep you all updated.
Tomorrow I’m, in theory, supposed to return to my labors as medical student in the pediatrics rotation. However, I’m afraid of returning, and really don’t want to deal with the questions or the looks. Still, at some point during the day I’m supposed to meet up with the pediatrics coordinator to show her my medical excuse, explain my week-long absence, and see what actions will be taken from there.
I don’t know the pediatrics coordinator all that much, so the hypothetical meeting I’ll have with her can go both ways. Either she empathizes with me and helps me, or she’s a total bitch and decides to destroy me. Either way, I just hope I don’t have to work tomorrow, the reason being that I don’t feel up for it.
Today was an interesting day. My mood was all over the place. I was sad and uninterested most of the morning, then in the afternoon I had a fit of anger and frustration thinking about medical school and a thousand more things. But now I feel better I guess, because hopefully I’ll get answers tomorrow and I’ll also be seeing M in the afternoon (finally!).
The reason I got all angry and frustrated in the afternoon was, in part, because I feel like I received so much help for a week at the hospital, but now I’m back to square one. For various reasons I won’t go into, my insurance still hasn’t gotten back on whether they’ll approve the partial hospitalization, so for a week since being discharged I’ve felt in a terrible limbo. I feel unable to manage the real world after going from being 100% tended to at the hospital and then going to 0 therapy or help. Hopefully, tomorrow I’ll get good news from the partial hospitalization program and things will take a turn.
You know, now that I go back and read that last paragraph, I feel I’m being unfair. I haven’t been completely without support or help, my family has been pretty supportive and attentive. However, I also can’t help but feel marginalized after my parents decided to put the cutting knives and scissors under lock and key (after the psychologist at the hospital recommended they do that). Really, it makes me feel left out and it also makes me feel like they don’t know me. I mean, really, I wouldn’t self-harm with scissors or knives, nor would I use them against someone. I feel they don’t trust me.
The point I’m trying to make here is that I need help and for a week I’ve felt like I’m not getting it because I’m actually not getting it. End of story.
I also decided to deactivate my facebook account (for now). Knowing about the fake perfectly-happy lives of other people, especially from my school, is really affecting me. So, for now, I’m trying to eliminate that from my life. Let’s see how much time I last without logging in.
I spent a good chunk of my afternoon looking for alternative careers with an MD degree. For today, I think I want to stay in medical school but possibly apply for a leave of absence. At the moment, the only reason keeping me from quitting medical school is that I’ve already gotten through (almost) 3 years of this shit and there’s only one more year left. Just one, along with two board exams, one of which I have to travel to take. Right now I don’t know if I want to be a psychiatrist, let alone go through residency. At the moment, I’m just focusing on getting through each day without having suicidal thoughts.
And speaking of suicidal and negative thoughts, I had a pretty difficult day in the weekend. At one moment, I was with my mom and she said she felt overwhelmed. After a few minutes I asked her whether it was my fault she was overwhelmed (looking back, I shouldn’t have asked that). She said: “In part, yes. But there’s also other things.” I asked her what other things. She said: “Things in life. Life if bullshit.”
Honestly, those words destroyed me for a moment there. I felt so guilty. I felt I was to blame for my mother feeling overwhelmed and for my father looking for help from a psychologist (which he is). I was the problem. Me and this fucking illness.
But right now (this single moment) I’m feeling better. I think the prospect of possibly getting answers tomorrow is helping.
Yesterday I went out to eat with a very small group of friends from medical school. I wasn’t really feeling up for it, but I went because I really wanted to see one of them, she’s one of the three very close friends I’ve trusted with the information regarding my absence. It went ok I guess. It was an ok distraction, but I also wanted to run away from there once the questions started….”So, how are things going?” “What did you finally decide to specialize in?” “Where do you want to go for residency?” Etc, etc. I felt so ridiculous lying about my career, when in reality I don’t know where things are headed right now.
So that’s that for now. I’m aiming to keep you all updated with the recent developments. I’m sorry if I haven’t answered your comments or emails yet, I’m getting around to doing that. Just know that I really appreciate your messages.
Wish me luck for tomorrow. Anxiety officially kicking in as of now.