A mess inside my head

I’m feeling so many things at the same time.

I feel relaxed, but at the same time I feel stressed. Whenever medical school comes to mind I get stressed and have a horrible mental block. I really don’t know what I’m going to do or what the school administrators will tell me to do. I feel lost and desperate.

But the hospitalization went well. I think it was a good decision. If things go according to plan, I’ll be spending next week in a partial hospitalization program.

So, on April 8th I saw M and told her I was having suicidal thoughts and had proceeded to count pills. She decided it was time for me to go inpatient.

It was really awkward at first. As soon as I said goodbye to my parents and went into the psychiatric ward I started crying. I felt like such a failure. However, by the end of the week I felt pretty stable.

On the day I arrived, the psychiatrist in the unit saw me crying next to his office and asked me who I was and why I was wearing scrubs. I told him my name and said I was a medical student. He then told me that he would be seeing me the next day and that there would be medical students there but they weren’t from my school.

I seriously underestimated just how awkward that would be. I barely spoke to the doctor as the medical students looked on. He was also quite distant. But the next day I saw him there were no medical students and he apologized for being cold and distant. He said he was doing everything possible to protect my privacy and not have the students know that I was a medical student too. I appreciated that a lot. It turned out he was pretty cool, and most of what I took with me from this journey was thanks to him.

The psychologist I was assigned to, on the other hand, I absolutely detested. She didn’t seem to be interested in what I had to say and made me feel like I was wasting her time. Lucky for me, I only had two sessions with her because I saw a completely different psychologist on the weekend (who was incredibly sweet and helpful).

Then there was the awkward family session I had with my parents and yet another psychologist. It was a waste of time and I felt so uncomfortable during the whole half hour it lasted.

I had only one bad experience during my hospital stay. It happened when I was weighed by one of the nurses. I told him to please not tell me my weight. Then he proceeded to weigh me and said “Do you really weigh that much?! 1– pounds?!”. I was in absolute disbelief. I couldn’t even look at him. I just stared at the wall in front of me and said, in a very serious tone: “I told you not to tell me how much I weigh.”

Because of that incident I’ve been even more self-conscious about my weight. I’m at the heaviest I’ve ever been, and let’s just put it this way: my BMI officially classifies me as overweight. And I was underweight back in 2012. How the hell did this happen?

Anyways, except for that rather huge blip, my stay at the hospital went smoothly. I met some interesting people. I even met a guy, a veteran my age, who seems to be interested in me and chose to ignore the fact that I told him I wasn’t interested in being with anyone at the moment (be it a real relationship or just something casual).

I learned that getting distracted from all the pain can be quite therapeutic. I also learned to appreciate the small things…like flossing and shaving without some random nurse looking over your shoulder.

But then today things took a turn. In part I blame facebook. I was doing relatively well up until the moment I opened my facebook account and saw pictures of medical students from my class doing mission labor in foreign countries during spring break. And how did I spend my spring break? Oh, right, being suicidal and locked up in a psychiatric unit.

I instantly felt like a failure. I told my mom about this, but she said nothing to comfort me.

The truth is, I feel like I did so well at the hospital, but then I was thrown back into the real world and I feel incapable of dealing with all the medical school shit. Frustration ensued, and my mood instantly went down. I feel absolutely overwhelmed and I don’t know how to deal.

So, naturally, I feel like I’m back in square one…with the added stress of not knowing what the hell is going to happen with my career/studies at the moment. Yet again, I feel like a fat failure.

I’ll be seeing M on Tuesday. I really want to see her. I miss her.

*Sigh* I feel pretty down right now.

Sorry this post is all over the place.

  1. Anonymous said:

    Facebook is terrible for me too–to the point where I decided to quit about a year ago, and it's been so freeing for me. There's a saying that “comparison is the thief of joy.” Also, no one's life is as great as they make it seem on Facebook–it's just a carefully managed image.

    Also, I think when you're younger and when you're surrounded by a homogeneous group of people there's this sense that you have to follow a certain path in life to be a success. As you get older and see how many different paths there are in the world it's easier to realize there are different ways of being a success. I'm in my late 30s now and life is SO much better than when I was in my early to mid 20s. It gets better! – Azure


  2. Hey Azure,

    I've been considering deactivating my facebook account for a little while…see how I feel about it. But it's quite a big step for me, so I'm still thinking about it.

    Ugh, I hope you're right. I'm trying to see what alternate paths I can choose in this life right now. See where things take me.


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