What a day today.
I began working at the hospital’s nursery. I’ll be there for two weeks working with babies. Unfortunately, I’ll be working alongside two gunners from my class (if you don’t know what a gunner is, go here). Yay for me. It’s an understatement just how much I do NOT want to work with them.
I was in an overall emotionally difficult place all day since I woke up. Later in the morning I called M’s office to see if somebody had cancelled, and nobody cancelled. So, I didn’t see M today. I’ll be seeing her first thing in the morning tomorrow.
But I really wanted to see her today. I was (am) in pretty bad shape. I think part of what kept me going was that I was able to see three of my close med school friends at lunch for a few minutes. I missed them. A lot.
Once I got home I went to my parent’s medicine cabinet. I found some Percocet, Ambien, and Tramadol. I counted them. I honestly don’t know what got into me. It just came naturally to me to count them. It didn’t faze me, honestly. And I kept thinking that there’s enough wine in this house to down them.
But I didn’t do anything. I wasn’t exactly having suicidal thoughts, it was more of an “in case I need them someday” sort of situation…which I know isn’t good either….which is why I’m telling M tomorrow.
I’m sorry, I just feel so empty. Sometimes I think that dying young and by my own hand is my destiny.
I’ll be telling M about all this tomorrow, but either way I find no point in doing that, except having her support. You see, I honestly don’t think she’ll want to hospitalize me, and either way I’m sure my insurance wouldn’t approve it. They didn’t approve my being partially hospitalized (see this post), how the hell would they approve my being completely hospitalized? As soon as they see I’m a medical student and still (barely) functioning within my daily life activities, they couldn’t give a rat’s ass how I feel.
I guess I’m just not sick enough. Meanwhile, I’m dying inside.