Not sick enough

What a day today.

I began working at the hospital’s nursery. I’ll be there for two weeks working with babies. Unfortunately, I’ll be working alongside two gunners from my class (if you don’t know what a gunner is, go here). Yay for me. It’s an understatement just how much I do NOT want to work with them.

I was in an overall emotionally difficult place all day since I woke up. Later in the morning I called M’s office to see if somebody had cancelled, and nobody cancelled. So, I didn’t see M today. I’ll be seeing her first thing in the morning tomorrow.

But I really wanted to see her today. I was (am) in pretty bad shape. I think part of what kept me going was that I was able to see three of my close med school friends at lunch for a few minutes. I missed them. A lot.

(Trigger warning)

Once I got home I went to my parent’s medicine cabinet. I found some Percocet, Ambien, and Tramadol. I counted them. I honestly don’t know what got into me. It just came naturally to me to count them. It didn’t faze me, honestly. And I kept thinking that there’s enough wine in this house to down them.

But I didn’t do anything. I wasn’t exactly having suicidal thoughts, it was more of an “in case I need them someday” sort of situation…which I know isn’t good either….which is why I’m telling M tomorrow.

I’m sorry, I just feel so empty. Sometimes I think that dying young and by my own hand is my destiny.

I’ll be telling M about all this tomorrow, but either way I find no point in doing that, except having her support. You see, I honestly don’t think she’ll want to hospitalize me, and either way I’m sure my insurance wouldn’t approve it. They didn’t approve my being partially hospitalized (see this post), how the hell would they approve my being completely hospitalized? As soon as they see I’m a medical student and still (barely) functioning within my daily life activities, they couldn’t give a rat’s ass how I feel.

I guess I’m just not sick enough. Meanwhile, I’m dying inside.

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2 comments
  1. Hi,

    I am so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I am really glad you are seeing M tomorrow. Please take care of yourself. Remember how much you have accomplished and how much good you are going to do. And remember you are always in control.

    I'm sorry this is such a short post. I am not doing so well myself. I had my first “emergency” appointment with my therapist today. There is no way I could go on my trip without talking to him so I begged him to squeeze me in. And I started crying a few times during the session, which never happens.

    Sending you thoughts of peace and happiness,
    K

    Like

  2. Anonymous said:

    I know what you mean about the “in case I need them someday” thought–ironically, I have heard that sometimes that it's that thought that gives people the strength to get through, knowing they have that “out.” I have thought it too myself at times. I think being in med school is an especially hard environment because there is so little time for self-care, which is very important to manage depression (I didn't go to med school but was in a similarly high stress academic environment when I went through my worst depression). On a positive note, I'm in a very different place now and have not felt that way in a long time. So things really can and do change. Hope things go well with your appointment with M tomorrow!
    -Azure

    Like

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