Damn. I’m tired.
Yesterday and today have been better days. I’ve been feeling better. I think it mainly has to do with the fact that yesterday I got out early from ambulatory clinics and then today I only had class until midday.
M gets back from her vacation week tomorrow. Still, I don’t know when I’ll be seeing her because I’ll have to reschedule our next appointment. I just hope I can have therapy next week. She needs to know how I’ve been feeling.
I’m really tired. All the fucking time. And I’m stressed. Fucking med school…fucking pediatrics…
I kind of feel numb. I don’t know why. Like I said, yesterday and today have been ok days. However, I still feel like I want to fall asleep and never wake up. I honestly think I’m relapsing. It’s been almost two weeks already that I haven’t been feeling well.
I feel so flawed. Emotionally flawed. And the way I feel affects the way I see myself physically, so I feel physically flawed. So many stretch marks. So much fat that wasn’t there before. Speaking of which, my sister and my brother commented on my butt the other day. Instead of it being a compliment, it acted as a trigger. Awesome.
About my mom, we haven’t really spoken much. We’ve exchanged…sentences. No real conversations. It’s getting to me, but I don’t know how to break the ice. I miss her.
I miss so many things. I miss M. I miss my sisters, having free time, and being able to go to the movies with my mom or friends. I miss my body, and how simple life used to be in college (minus my Ex). I miss dancing and painting, and being inspired easily. Everything is just…a fuck-up. And just when I thought I would get a break from depression, I’m faced with these two emotionally charged weeks.
There’s nothing I’m looking forward to. I don’t feel like filling applications for away rotations, or studying, or going to the hospital. I just feel like….sleeping.
I’m sorry for this post. I can’t even think straight anymore.