Damn. I’m tired.

Yesterday and today have been better days. I’ve been feeling better. I think it mainly has to do with the fact that yesterday I got out early from ambulatory clinics and then today I only had class until midday.

M gets back from her vacation week tomorrow. Still, I don’t know when I’ll be seeing her because I’ll have to reschedule our next appointment. I just hope I can have therapy next week. She needs to know how I’ve been feeling.

I’m really tired. All the fucking time. And I’m stressed. Fucking med school…fucking pediatrics…

I kind of feel numb. I don’t know why. Like I said, yesterday and today have been ok days. However, I still feel like I want to fall asleep and never wake up. I honestly think I’m relapsing. It’s been almost two weeks already that I haven’t been feeling well.

I feel so flawed. Emotionally flawed. And the way I feel affects the way I see myself physically, so I feel physically flawed. So many stretch marks. So much fat that wasn’t there before. Speaking of which, my sister and my brother commented on my butt the other day. Instead of it being a compliment, it acted as a trigger. Awesome.

About my mom, we haven’t really spoken much. We’ve exchanged…sentences. No real conversations. It’s getting to me, but I don’t know how to break the ice. I miss her.

I miss so many things. I miss M. I miss my sisters, having free time, and being able to go to the movies with my mom or friends. I miss my body, and how simple life used to be in college (minus my Ex). I miss dancing and painting, and being inspired easily. Everything is just…a fuck-up. And just when I thought I would get a break from depression, I’m faced with these two emotionally charged weeks.

There’s nothing I’m looking forward to. I don’t feel like filling applications for away rotations, or studying, or going to the hospital. I just feel like….sleeping.

I’m sorry for this post. I can’t even think straight anymore.

  1. Have you considered asking M for some sick leave? I don't know how things are over there, but in my country, sick certificates from therapists/psychologists are valid. My therapist gave me a week off during Surgery. She doesn't give them lightly, in fact she says she's only given two in the four years that she has worked in this area, and it took me weeks before I took her up on her offer. But it was really, really good for me, and the department didn't even make me work back that week. Just a thought.
    I know EXACTLY what it's like just wanting to sleep and sleep. And sometimes, you do need a break.


  2. Hi,

    How are you? Haven't heard from you in a while and I am worried about you! If you don't feel like blogging you can always email me at skinnyinscrubs@gmail.com. Please do write soon. I hope you are doing ok.



  3. Hey Barefoot,

    I'm sure a sick certificate would be valid to the pediatrics department at my school. However, what I worry about is whether they would make me work back that week, hold my grades until I finish the rotation in its entirety, or make me repeat the rotation altogether. I'll honestly have to look more into it, but thank you for the suggestion.

    Out of curiosity, did you have problems with depression during medical school too? You don't have to answer if it's too personal πŸ˜‰

    Take care,


  4. Hey K,

    Still here hun! Not doing so well, but holding up until I get to see M on Monday or Tuesday. Will be posting soon, and commenting on your blog for sure πŸ˜‰


  5. Thanks so much for getting back to me! I am not doing so hot, either. I just want curl up in ball and cry. But I can't. I am alone, fat and useless.


  6. Hey

    I'm back and have been reading some of your posts again πŸ™‚

    I'm sorry you've been through such a tough time recently, but perhaps your hospitalization is for the best, and you'll only see so in retrospect. I haven't been too great either. I thought that perhaps starting a new block of work would mean I would have renewed energy and motivation, but even in this first week, I missed both my hospital day and some lectures/tuts because I felt too overwhelmed and tired. What bothers me now is that my hypersomnia has become worse and worse, and I sometimes end up sleeping through almost all of my lectures. And when I come home, I end up falling asleep for a few hours again. It's like I can't control it…and I often wonder what the others in my class must think. There have been some running jokes about my sleeping so much, and I always joke along, but then I'll come home and frantically search the internet for ways to get myself to stay awake. I'm not really sure what to do about it.

    I've also been having some issues with my image and feeling fat and unwanted, and particularly last night, I had this scary realisation that we are all “alone” in this world and everyone is just basically here to do their own thing: no one REALLY cares what's going on with the people around them.

    Anyway, it's always nice to have this reminder that I am not alone. I appreciate your writing so much and there's a part of me that's always thinking about you and sending supportive vibes from here. X


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