I’m here in my room, all alone, isolating. One of my best friends from med school texted me early in the morning to do something today, but I ended up lying to her and saying I was busy with other things. Now I feel bad for lying to her.
I ended up doing nothing all day. Spent half the day sleeping. It’s been proving more and more difficult to get out of bed as the days go by.
My mother hasn’t really spoken to me all these days. She is in a very bad mood and it’s been affecting both me and my dad. I had an important conversation with my dad where he told me that she is clearly depressed. But, let’s face it, he’s not doing very well either, and needless to say neither am I.
I just wish I had a mother who wasn’t depressed, who I could use as a shoulder to lean on, who I could have deep conversations with. I envy people who say their mother is their best friend, because that’s not the case with me.
I feel very lonely and empty. My mother isn’t speaking to me, been having trouble contacting my sister MM, and M is on vacation and I won’t be seeing her until who knows when.
And I feel hopeless and helpless. I can’t seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. All I can manage to do is sleep. My room is a pigsty…hell, my head is a pigsty. I thought I was over this, I thought depression was gone.
As for my career…I really don’t like pediatrics. I don’t like children. Adolescents are ok, because you don’t have to sugarcoat things to get them to cooperate. But I really don’t like babies and kids who are difficult to deal with. And there’s way too much smiling in pediatrics….and smiling hurts right now.
Then there’s the applications for away rotations…I really need to get those done. But I’m so afraid of spending a month away from home and having depression and anxiety get the best of me.
Ugh, I can’t even think anymore.