Walking aimlessly through the night

I’m here in my room, all alone, isolating. One of my best friends from med school texted me early in the morning to do something today, but I ended up lying to her and saying I was busy with other things. Now I feel bad for lying to her.

I ended up doing nothing all day. Spent half the day sleeping. It’s been proving more and more difficult to get out of bed as the days go by.

My mother hasn’t really spoken to me all these days. She is in a very bad mood and it’s been affecting both me and my dad. I had an important conversation with my dad where he told me that she is clearly depressed. But, let’s face it, he’s not doing very well either, and needless to say neither am I.

I just wish I had a mother who wasn’t depressed, who I could use as a shoulder to lean on, who I could have deep conversations with. I envy people who say their mother is their best friend, because that’s not the case with me.

I feel very lonely and empty. My mother isn’t speaking to me, been having trouble contacting my sister MM, and M is on vacation and I won’t be seeing her until who knows when.

And I feel hopeless and helpless. I can’t seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. All I can manage to do is sleep. My room is a pigsty…hell, my head is a pigsty. I thought I was over this, I thought depression was gone.

As for my career…I really don’t like pediatrics. I don’t like children. Adolescents are ok, because you don’t have to sugarcoat things to get them to cooperate. But I really don’t like babies and kids who are difficult to deal with. And there’s way too much smiling in pediatrics….and smiling hurts right now.

Then there’s the applications for away rotations…I really need to get those done. But I’m so afraid of spending a month away from home and having depression and anxiety get the best of me.

Ugh, I can’t even think anymore.

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2 comments
  1. Anonymous said:

    Hi ,
    I'm a first year med student … needless to say how depressed i feel at the moment with no hope for a better tomorrow ….
    When i read your articles i remember myself … and that's a kind of relief for me as i'm not alone …other med students are just struggling like me !
    Additionally, it's killing me being not surrounded by good friends who stand by you in your difficult situations but instead i'm completely alone , i spend my free hours in college by myself with no one around feeling useless and hopeless 😦

    Like

  2. Hi Anon,

    Thank you for reading and commenting 🙂 I really appreciate the feedback.

    You're right, you are not alone. I'm so glad you realized this. There's a lot of depressed med students out there, probably in your same class too. Always remember everybody has their story, nobody is immune.

    Have you made any friends in med school? How about old friends, have you kept in touch with them? It's difficult at first, finding friends, but try to expose yourself to situations in which you could have a conversation with someone from med school, or have lunch, or anything really. Try to force yourself to do social things, to get out of your comfort zone. Try not to isolate yourself, med school can be a very lonely place.

    Also, have you tried looking for help in counselors, psychiatrists, psychologists, etc.?

    Hope to hear more of you,

    Like

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