I’m here. I’m ok. Pretty tired, but I felt you guys deserved an update.
So today was a battle right from the beginning, but it got better as the day progressed. I woke up hating everything, but finally forced myself out of bed and went to hospital. I was lucky in that the attending I was going to be working with today didn’t arrive at the scheduled time.
I found it pretty difficult to smile in spite of how I was feeling. Just like old times. I did have suicidal thoughts, but they waned as the day progressed, thankfully.
I don’t know what happened, but at some point during the afternoon the thoughts just stopped. I’m thinking it had a lot to do with the fact that I was focusing more on the work I had to do than ruminating on how I was truly feeling. I guess I took distraction to a whole new level, unconsciously, and it proved to be a good strategy.
Or maybe I just “faked it ’til I made it”.
Whatever, I just know that I made it through. That’s what’s important now.
As for my mother, she isn’t speaking to me. I think she said “hi” when I got home, but that was it. I honestly think she’s depressed, but that I’ll discuss in a whole other post. I’m not going to lie, it hurts not having her speak to me. But I guess today I was able to manage it a bit better because I was so tired when I got back home at 7pm that there really was no room in my head to think about my mom not speaking to me.
So that’s that. I’m sorry for being so desperate in my previous post, but I honestly was feeling in pretty bad shape and very lonely. Thank you for your messages and kind words, you really have no idea how much you mean to me.
One day at a time. That will be my motto for the next few days.