One day at a time

I’m here. I’m ok. Pretty tired, but I felt you guys deserved an update.

So today was a battle right from the beginning, but it got better as the day progressed. I woke up hating everything, but finally forced myself out of bed and went to hospital. I was lucky in that the attending I was going to be working with today didn’t arrive at the scheduled time.

I found it pretty difficult to smile in spite of how I was feeling. Just like old times. I did have suicidal thoughts, but they waned as the day progressed, thankfully.

I don’t know what happened, but at some point during the afternoon the thoughts just stopped. I’m thinking it had a lot to do with the fact that I was focusing more on the work I had to do than ruminating on how I was truly feeling. I guess I took distraction to a whole new level, unconsciously, and it proved to be a good strategy.

Or maybe I just “faked it ’til I made it”.

Whatever, I just know that I made it through. That’s what’s important now.

As for my mother, she isn’t speaking to me. I think she said “hi” when I got home, but that was it. I honestly think she’s depressed, but that I’ll discuss in a whole other post. I’m not going to lie, it hurts not having her speak to me. But I guess today I was able to manage it a bit better because I was so tired when I got back home at 7pm that there really was no room in my head to think about my mom not speaking to me.

So that’s that. I’m sorry for being so desperate in my previous post, but I honestly was feeling in pretty bad shape and very lonely. Thank you for your messages and kind words, you really have no idea how much you mean to me.

One day at a time. That will be my motto for the next few days.

  1. Anonymous said:

    I know how it feels when you feel like you can't even make it through the day and just want to give up, but one thing I've come realize about life is how things change very quickly. Sometimes you can be on the brink of despair and then suddenly something will happen and everything is okay again. Hang in there!
    (I'm the anonymous poster from a couple posts ago–I should give myself a nickname. I'll think of one for next time I post!)


  2. Anon, it's incredible how many times I've had that happen to me, yet I still don't learn my lesson.

    Let me know what nickname you come up with! 🙂


  3. Hello Love,

    How are you feeling? I am glad that you were able to handle your feelings and get past them. There used to be days where I had no desire to live, let alone go into the hospital and interact with people. The thought was so overwhelming that sometimes I would just skip work. But the days that I managed to go in, I always ended up feeling better. 99% of the time. I believe this is a perfect example of the CBT tenet “behavior affects thought”. Acting in certain ways can greatly affect mood, and yes, there is some merit in “faking it til you make it.” I am so proud of you for going into work.

    How are you feeling now? How is Peds? I really did not enjoy Peds, except for talking with teens for some reason. Most kids really annoy me and the horrible parenting that I am privy to at pretty much each patient encounter frustrates and depresses me to no end. No wonder our world is so messed up.

    I am so happy that you are feeling better 🙂


    P.S. I hope you don't mind if I share something with you on your blog here, but I feel like you're the only person who would truly understand how I'm feeling right now. I am SO overwhelmed. Too many feelings, mainly about MT. He's out of the country now and I feel so alone and abandoned and I am literally obsessed with him right now. I can't get my mind out of it. I need a hobby. He's told me so many times that he wants to see me and he likes me but I am terrified of losing him. I'm pathetic.


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