I need help.
Today and yesterday have been pretty bad.
Yesterday I woke up hating my life, wanting to die. However, as the day progressed, it got a bit better. I even got out early from the hospital.
But then things took a turn when I had a nasty argument with my sister Y. I ended up crying in my room, with suicidal thoughts. For about 1 minute I was about to do it, but then I lost the guts and the anger. I decided to wait, because I was supposed to see M yesterday.
And I did, I went to see M. She said she wasn’t left with any option but to hospitalize me. But I told her I wasn’t going to do it, that if I hadn’t done it already after so much time I wasn’t going to do it. And she believed me.
The rest of the day was relatively ok I guess. I didn’t speak to my parents. I didn’t speak to anyone, really, nor did they speak to me.
Then today I woke up hating my life again, wanting to die, again. Like a song on repeat. But I built up the strength to get out of bed and get dressed. Then I had breakfast. And I had an argument with my mom about the dogs. She threatened to give them away. I kept thinking that if she does that, I will end my life. But I didn’t have the guts to tell her. I just told her that if she does that, she’ll regret it. And I left.
When I got to the hospital she called me. She said some pretty mean things. I told her she was going to regret it.
I called M mid-morning to see if we could talk about this, but she never returned my call. (I think this is more because of her bitchy secretary than M not wanting to talk to me.)
I tried to contact my sister MM to blow off some steam, but she didn’t respond my messages.
I didn’t want to go home, but I had nowhere else to go. So here I am, locked in my room, feeling like a coward because I didn’t end everything. Haven’t spoken to my mom all day.
I feel hurt, and I feel responsible for my mother being miserable. I’m the daughter they never wanted, the depressed one, the bitchy one.
I wish I had the guts to do a voluntary hospitalization, but I don’t. I’m afraid of how it will affect my career. Plus, I won’t have M for another two weeks because she’s on vacation starting tomorrow.
So, I’m alone on this one.