This is not life

I need help.

Today and yesterday have been pretty bad.

Yesterday I woke up hating my life, wanting to die. However, as the day progressed, it got a bit better. I even got out early from the hospital.

But then things took a turn when I had a nasty argument with my sister Y. I ended up crying in my room, with suicidal thoughts. For about 1 minute I was about to do it, but then I lost the guts and the anger. I decided to wait, because I was supposed to see M yesterday.

And I did, I went to see M. She said she wasn’t left with any option but to hospitalize me. But I told her I wasn’t going to do it, that if I hadn’t done it already after so much time I wasn’t going to do it. And she believed me.

The rest of the day was relatively ok I guess. I didn’t speak to my parents. I didn’t speak to anyone, really, nor did they speak to me.

Then today I woke up hating my life again, wanting to die, again. Like a song on repeat. But I built up the strength to get out of bed and get dressed. Then I had breakfast. And I had an argument with my mom about the dogs. She threatened to give them away. I kept thinking that if she does that, I will end my life. But I didn’t have the guts to tell her. I just told her that if she does that, she’ll regret it. And I left.

When I got to the hospital she called me. She said some pretty mean things. I told her she was going to regret it.

I called M mid-morning to see if we could talk about this, but she never returned my call. (I think this is more because of her bitchy secretary than M not wanting to talk to me.)

I tried to contact my sister MM to blow off some steam, but she didn’t respond my messages.

I didn’t want to go home, but I had nowhere else to go. So here I am, locked in my room, feeling like a coward because I didn’t end everything. Haven’t spoken to my mom all day.

I feel hurt, and I feel responsible for my mother being miserable. I’m the daughter they never wanted, the depressed one, the bitchy one.

I wish I had the guts to do a voluntary hospitalization, but I don’t. I’m afraid of how it will affect my career. Plus, I won’t have M for another two weeks because she’s on vacation starting tomorrow.

So, I’m alone on this one. 

  1. You are not alone. I am here for you, any time. Please write again, I want to know you're ok. Email me or even call me if you want (I can give you my number through email). I know everything seems like shit now but remember nothing is permanent. This will pass – you just have to let each moment pass and let the mental anguish run its course.

    I know plenty of people who have taken a leave of absence for one semester or more and it has done nothing to affect their careers. I know people who have even failed classes and they matched no problem! Please seriously consider hospitalization – nothing is more important than your health.

    I hope to hear from you soon. Stay strong! You are stronger than you think. You can get through this. I believe in you.



  2. K,

    Yes, I'm ok. Sorry to get back to you so late. Will be posting in a few minutes. You have no idea how much I appreciate your being worried about me.


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