Not afraid…

Ok, big weight off my shoulders: I passed the surgery written test. That means I passed the surgery rotation and I don’t have to take my two little feet to an operating room ever again, for the rest of my life (at least as a medical student/doctor).

So…..surgery’s over. I get to breath again. And today I began the pediatrics rotation.

The truth is I woke up feeling horrible today. I barely slept last night and woke up dreading the day. As you probably saw from my previous post, I wasn’t doing very good. I spent the whole morning incredibly suicidal, but I won’t go into detail as to the type of thoughts I was having because I don’t want to trigger anyone. The point is, I was having some pretty dark thoughts.

Then I got the email saying that I passed the surgery written test. That took such a weight off my shoulders. And I won’t deny the fact that it made me feel better. However, for some reason, I still feel incredibly empty.

I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I’m isolating. I’ve barely spoken to my parents these last few days, and I’ve been turning into a time bomb. I guess I just feel uncomfortable talking to them, for some reason. Specifically, my mom has been very quiet lately, and I honestly don’t know how to approach her silence. Plus, it’s hard enough for me trying to take the initiative to “spit it out” and talk to her, let alone when she’s so quiet and distant.

But I have so many thoughts in my head about medical school, about my career, about my life…things that are eating away at me. For example, I’ve been (very slowly) filling out applications for visiting rotations, but I keep doubting whether I should even do them because I’m afraid I’ll turn heavily suicidal and do something to myself.

I don’t know, things in my head just seem pretty out of hand lately. I’ll be seeing M tomorrow and telling her all about this, but the sad part is that I don’t care much whether I die…and that’s never a good sign.

We’ll see, I’ll keep you posted.

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1 comment
  1. Hello Love!

    Congratulations on passing the surgery test! That’s a huge relief.

    How are you feeling now? I think I understand your bouts of isolating. I think I do it myself – I’m distant and sometimes even rude to my roommates and friends and just hide away in my room, wanting to be a part of things but not wanting to put effort into it. So I go on the offensive and block people out before they can reject me. Is that what you feel like?

    When you feel like this with your family, are there friends you can talk to? Did you end up going to that birthday party?

    I think visiting rotations are an excellent idea and I think you are strong enough to do them. You have more control than you give yourself credit for! I believe in you.

    Let me know how your appointment went! (On a side note, I emailed my therapist the results of my match as he requested but I didn’t hear back from him and that made me pretty sad. Sure he’s travelling around Thailand right now but I thought he’d at least write a little “congratulations” email).

    XO,
    K

    Like

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