Ok, big weight off my shoulders: I passed the surgery written test. That means I passed the surgery rotation and I don’t have to take my two little feet to an operating room ever again, for the rest of my life (at least as a medical student/doctor).
So…..surgery’s over. I get to breath again. And today I began the pediatrics rotation.
The truth is I woke up feeling horrible today. I barely slept last night and woke up dreading the day. As you probably saw from my previous post, I wasn’t doing very good. I spent the whole morning incredibly suicidal, but I won’t go into detail as to the type of thoughts I was having because I don’t want to trigger anyone. The point is, I was having some pretty dark thoughts.
Then I got the email saying that I passed the surgery written test. That took such a weight off my shoulders. And I won’t deny the fact that it made me feel better. However, for some reason, I still feel incredibly empty.
I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I’m isolating. I’ve barely spoken to my parents these last few days, and I’ve been turning into a time bomb. I guess I just feel uncomfortable talking to them, for some reason. Specifically, my mom has been very quiet lately, and I honestly don’t know how to approach her silence. Plus, it’s hard enough for me trying to take the initiative to “spit it out” and talk to her, let alone when she’s so quiet and distant.
But I have so many thoughts in my head about medical school, about my career, about my life…things that are eating away at me. For example, I’ve been (very slowly) filling out applications for visiting rotations, but I keep doubting whether I should even do them because I’m afraid I’ll turn heavily suicidal and do something to myself.
I don’t know, things in my head just seem pretty out of hand lately. I’ll be seeing M tomorrow and telling her all about this, but the sad part is that I don’t care much whether I die…and that’s never a good sign.
We’ll see, I’ll keep you posted.