What a bad day.
Spent half the day in bed. Whenever I would wake up I’d close my eyes to fall back asleep again, not wanting to face reality. I isolated myself from my parents, even from the dogs. Couldn’t get myself to do anything because everything I tried to do took a superhuman amount of energy.
Why is the pain back? Why is this darkness in my head? I had suicidal thoughts, even considered writing a note. But I didn’t do it. I also cried.
There’s really nothing that triggered these emotions. Maybe it was all the medical school preoccupations I have in my head. I keep thinking I’m pathetic because if I pass the surgery written test then these feelings will probably go away.
Maybe my destiny was written the moment I was born. Maybe I was never meant to be happy, regardless of having two wonderful pets and a family that loves me. Maybe I was born to end my own life. Maybe that is my destiny. All I feel is emptiness. I am not a person, I am a body.
But I don’t understand why I have so much pain within me. How many more years of suffering do I have left?
I won’t self-harm. I promise. That is not an option, I told M. Instead, I wrote in my diary, and now I’m writing here. I considered painting, to put my pain into art, but it’s too late and it takes too much effort considering how weak I feel.
I fear I might fall into a deep depression again when M leaves in August. And, honestly, I’m afraid of what I’m capable of doing.
I’m sorry. It was a bad day. Maybe tomorrow will be better, but I’m not very hopeful.