Back in the darkness

What a bad day.

Spent half the day in bed. Whenever I would wake up I’d close my eyes to fall back asleep again, not wanting to face reality. I isolated myself from my parents, even from the dogs. Couldn’t get myself to do anything because everything I tried to do took a superhuman amount of energy.

Why is the pain back? Why is this darkness in my head? I had suicidal thoughts, even considered writing a note. But I didn’t do it. I also cried.

There’s really nothing that triggered these emotions. Maybe it was all the medical school preoccupations I have in my head. I keep thinking I’m pathetic because if I pass the surgery written test then these feelings will probably go away.

Maybe my destiny was written the moment I was born. Maybe I was never meant to be happy, regardless of having two wonderful pets and a family that loves me. Maybe I was born to end my own life. Maybe that is my destiny. All I feel is emptiness. I am not a person, I am a body.

But I don’t understand why I have so much pain within me. How many more years of suffering do I have left?

I won’t self-harm. I promise. That is not an option, I told M. Instead, I wrote in my diary, and now I’m writing here. I considered painting, to put my pain into art, but it’s too late and it takes too much effort considering how weak I feel.

I fear I might fall into a deep depression again when M leaves in August. And, honestly, I’m afraid of what I’m capable of doing.

I’m sorry. It was a bad day. Maybe tomorrow will be better, but I’m not very hopeful.

  1. Anonymous said:

    I've been following your blog for a couple months and really appreciate your honesty and transparency. Keep in mind that this too shall pass!


  2. Anon, thank you for reading and commenting, and thank you for reminding me that this shall pass. Hopefully, it will, I just need some reminding every now and again šŸ™‚


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