Shit daughter

I’m not feeling good at all.

It started today, out of the blue. I kept ignoring the feelings, the emotions, and they got to me, as usual.

I felt suicidal today, or at least my mind kept drifting toward that. There was just so much noise in my head. I couldn’t quiet it down. I got desperate and wrote in my diary. But that didn’t help much.

So I ended up cutting my wrist a little. The last time I cut was back in September. It made me feel a bit better, but I still feel like an idiot for doing it.

You see, this weekend was bad. Really bad. Where do I even begin?

My dad has been having problems with his back. He’s using a cane to walk and long story short, he thinks he might need surgery done. He’s very worried about this. But he hasn’t been well since last year, when he had to close his private practice after almost 30 years. Since that time, I think he’s been depressed, and this recent issue with his back seems to have made things worse.

Two nights ago I was studying and I suddenly heard a muffled scream from my parent’s room. I heard my dad wake up and go to the bathroom. Then I heard my mom going downstairs. I opened the door to see what had happened, and I saw some brown stains on the carpet in my parent’s bedroom. I asked my mom what happened and she said “Nothing”. After a few minutes she went to my room and angrily said: “Your dad got shit all over the carpet.” It seems my dad suffered from a bout of fecal incontinence while he was sleeping.

I honestly didn’t understand what was happening and was worried about my dad. Soon after that, mom started shouting and I heard her crying and sounding overwhelmed because of the carpet. I grabbed one of the dogs and locked myself inside my room. I didn’t want to go out and didn’t offer my help because I was scared of what my mom would say to me, that she would come out with something that would hurt my feelings. I started crying in my room, thinking about my dad. Mom was crying and screaming about how nobody helps her, how we are born alone and die alone.

After a while things calmed down and I went downstairs to find my dad trying to comfort my mom. I offered my help, and she said it was too late for that. I cried myself to sleep. Last night my sister and her girlfriend came to visit. It was as though nothing happened. My mom was all smiles. Then today it seems I reached my boiling point.

Everything was quiet at home. I barely exchanged any words with my parents. I was isolating myself in my room. And that’s when everything exploded. The suicidal thoughts, the cutting, the noise.

I’m angry at my mom, for making everything about her. My dad needed some comforting and help. He was terribly embarrassed. Instead, my mom responds by shouting at him, crying, and complaining about her life in general. There’s no way to make her happy. I feel like she hates us all because we are living proof of the choices she made in her life. Choices she regrets every day.

Meanwhile, I am such a shit daughter. I didn’t help my dad, or my mom. My dad told me, yesterday, that he was sad because I didn’t help him. My mom hasn’t spoken to me today.

That’s only part of the story. I have so many things in my head. I’m also stressed because this week is filled with tests and evaluations.

I just read this post and it makes no sense. I’m sorry.

  1. I am so sorry, that must be really upsetting. I feel so much for your dad. That is so humiliating and scary. You are absolutely right that your mom was completely inappropriate and it seems like she gets overwhelmed easily and lashes out at people because she can't handle things on her own. I know it's upsetting for you but please just remind yourself that it is nothing you did and that unfortunately she probably won't change. I have had to tell myself that countless times with my parents because somehow they always manage to say something that really hurts me. I am embarrassed and angry at myself that my parents still have such influence on me, even though I am in my 30's and moved out 14 years ago. We just have to remind ourselves not to let it get to us – it's their problem and not ours, and we need not make it ours by personalizing everything.

    I hope you feel better soon. I am sorry you felt like cutting and hope that again you will truly feel that it doesn't help you in the end. I am feeling like shit as well all of a sudden because I just realized I ate like 2000 calories after having eaten almost nothing this weekend. I can't handle things. Good, bad, anything in between… I'm a mess.


  2. K,

    I'm feeling a bit better today. I guess the prospect of seeing M tomorrow is helping. You're right, my mom won't change. And she has such a huge influence on my emotions. Maybe I'll make sense out of all of this tomorrow when I see M.


  3. It's uncanny how much I can relate to all you write about. Thanks, again.


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