Today I’m feeling a bit better. Stressed and worried, but when am I not?
I think I’m starting to see things more clearly. These past weeks my mind has been clouded by my crush on the surgery/ophthalmology resident. Since about two days ago I’ve been focusing on what’s important, keeping my mind off the crush. And guess what? I feel like the crush is over. That bubbly feeling is gone (thankfully). I feel like I took off a blindfold.
As you’ve probably noticed by now, I let myself get really carried away when I get crushes. All my energy goes to whatever person I’m pursuing at the moment. I go so far as to make important decisions based on the influence of whatever crush I have. I lose whatever semblance of myself I have.
Let’s be honest here. Why do you think I started talking about ophthalmology out of the blue? Granted, I am genuinely interested in that specialty, but now that I’m thinking more clearly I can see that I wouldn’t do it for the rest of my life. I let myself get carried away by the thought of a guy I barely knew. It’s not by pure coincidence that I started demonstrating an interest in ophthalmology after having a crush on a (future) ophthalmologist.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m by no means proud of this. I’m actually very, very ashamed. I feel like a childish little idiot. I could blame it on the borderline personality and say that it’s all due to having an unstable sense of self that depends greatly on those around me….but I feel like that’s just a lame excuse. The truth is, I’m still very immature when it comes to men, and I’m barely now starting to get the hang of the love/dating/everything-in-between game.
As for my weight…I weighed myself yesterday for the first time in months. I didn’t have a horrible reaction like I was expecting. The number simply confirmed what I already knew: that compared to how I was before, I am a whale right now. I decided I will start an exercise routine once this surgery madness is over and pay attention to what I’m eating. And by paying attention I mean not eating junk food, not stress-eating, eating smaller portions, and keeping mental notes of what I’ve eaten on a given day…just like I used to do before I gained all this weight. I don’t care if it’s healthy or not, I simply want my body back….maybe with a little added and much-needed muscle. Of course, that won’t take away the stretch marks, but I can’t have everything now, can I?
Finally, my career…I’m back to thinking of psychiatry. The determination is quite feeble, yes, but it’s there again. And I say it’s feeble because I’m just plain chicken when it comes to making important decisions. It will take me a while until I get my enthusiasm back.
M changed our appointment for tomorrow, so I’ll finally be telling her all about this crap that’s been happening. Plus, I’ll finally get her input on this whole psychiatry mess that’s been brewing in my head. Who better to give me some feedback than a real psychiatrist?
So, I’ll be posting again soon. Stay tuned.