…like I just slapped myself across the face

Today I’m feeling a bit better. Stressed and worried, but when am I not?

I think I’m starting to see things more clearly. These past weeks my mind has been clouded by my crush on the surgery/ophthalmology resident. Since about two days ago I’ve been focusing on what’s important, keeping my mind off the crush. And guess what? I feel like the crush is over. That bubbly feeling is gone (thankfully). I feel like I took off a blindfold.

As you’ve probably noticed by now, I let myself get really carried away when I get crushes. All my energy goes to whatever person I’m pursuing at the moment. I go so far as to make important decisions based on the influence of whatever crush I have. I lose whatever semblance of myself I have.

Let’s be honest here. Why do you think I started talking about ophthalmology out of the blue? Granted, I am genuinely interested in that specialty, but now that I’m thinking more clearly I can see that I wouldn’t do it for the rest of my life. I let myself get carried away by the thought of a guy I barely knew. It’s not by pure coincidence that I started demonstrating an interest in ophthalmology after having a crush on a (future) ophthalmologist.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m by no means proud of this. I’m actually very, very ashamed. I feel like a childish little idiot. I could blame it on the borderline personality and say that it’s all due to having an unstable sense of self that depends greatly on those around me….but I feel like that’s just a lame excuse. The truth is, I’m still very immature when it comes to men, and I’m barely now starting to get the hang of the love/dating/everything-in-between game.

As for my weight…I weighed myself yesterday for the first time in months. I didn’t have a horrible reaction like I was expecting. The number simply confirmed what I already knew: that compared to how I was before, I am a whale right now. I decided I will start an exercise routine once this surgery madness is over and pay attention to what I’m eating. And by paying attention I mean not eating junk food, not stress-eating, eating smaller portions, and keeping mental notes of what I’ve eaten on a given day…just like I used to do before I gained all this weight. I don’t care if it’s healthy or not, I simply want my body back….maybe with a little added and much-needed muscle. Of course, that won’t take away the stretch marks, but I can’t have everything now, can I?

Finally, my career…I’m back to thinking of psychiatry. The determination is quite feeble, yes, but it’s there again. And I say it’s feeble because I’m just plain chicken when it comes to making important decisions. It will take me a while until I get my enthusiasm back.

M changed our appointment for tomorrow, so I’ll finally be telling her all about this crap that’s been happening. Plus, I’ll finally get her input on this whole psychiatry mess that’s been brewing in my head. Who better to give me some feedback than a real psychiatrist?

So, I’ll be posting again soon. Stay tuned.

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4 comments
  1. Oh my God, you literally took the words right out of my mouth. I really have never admitted this to anyone but I realize that my default is to try to adopt my guy's hobbies and interests. It's automatic. I've started listening to dance music and country music for ex-boyfriends, learned how to Latin dance for another one, actually tried to learn about Christianity and Republican values for a particularly opinionated one (big, BIG mistake), started watching basketball and football… And for MT, I know he likes dance and electronic music so I started youtubing this DJ that he liked. It's not even like it's an effort for me – I literally find myself gravitated towards what they like. Except for that old-fashioned, extra-religious one – I really had to put effort into learning about his messed up values and as much as I tried, I couldn't agree with many things. I am very glad that I never compromised my values for him.

    Anyways, I never put two and two together – that maybe this had to do with an unstable sense of self. I thought it was always because I just wanted them to like me. But now I realize that they become part of my identity when I am dating them. Oh my God… ugh…

    I am really proud of you, however, for being able to control yourself with this crush! I can't believe you were able to do it. This gives me hope that I will be able to, too, if reason tells me that the situation and/or guy are not good. It's so hard for me because I get that high, fluttery feeling. Right now I can spend a whole subway ride just daydreaming about MT. Crap I like him so much.

    And I know exactly what you mean about Psychiatry… I highly doubt I would have the skills to be so logical and reasonable and to talk patients down. But maybe it helps that you have been in therapy yourself? It's like you're shadowing a therapist in a way! I think it's a wonderful idea to talk it over with M and let me know what she says! I hope you have a good session today!

    Hope you're well 🙂

    K

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  2. I don't know why I also completely forgot to mention that time and time again I have prioritized guys and let my schoolwork suffer as a result. It is so, so, so dumb and at the time I am aware of the sacrifice I am making yet I don't care. It is worth it to me at the time and the choice is clear. I will also spend a lot of money for a guy, for example on a plane ticket to visit them, really awesome experiences like nice hotels or weekend getaways and lingerie for myself.

    I know my grades in medical school have definitely suffered because of a guy, and I basically hate him now and totally regret that relationship. I don't know how I got this way!!

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  3. Hi K,

    It makes me feel much less alone in this world, knowing that you have the same problem. Ugh, I don't even know why I do it. I guess it's all part of wanting to have as much in common with a guy as possible…to make myself compatible with the guy…to not feel lonely…to feel accepted, liked, and possibly loved. It's a way of seeking what wasn't provided to us at some point in our lives: approval and acceptance. If whoever we fancy doesn't approve of us then we'll do whatever is possible to get that approval, hence being like a chameleon. Because we have an unstable sense of self we seek approval, and the way we seek that approval is by adapting to those around us…creating an unstable self and thus a vicious cycle.

    You know, I took your advice and tried to forget about the resident as much as possible and think about other guys. It worked. I tried to consciously focus on myself, and what I want in life. Part of our problem comes from this crazy fear of loneliness…that's where we start to adapt to whoever we're attracted to at the moment. But we have to stop ourselves from doing that.

    Do you feel you've gone out of your way to adapt to MT? It's better to just be yourself than a fake version, that only makes things worse. Still, I understand how difficult it is. When I was with my Ex I became obsessed with Formula 1 races because he liked them. It wasn't until later in the relationship, when there were already a whole bunch of strains coming from everywhere, that I realized I hated Formula 1 and found it to be rather lame.

    Sorry for the rambling. The point I'm trying to make is that, as corny as it sounds, try as hard as you can to just be yourself and go with the flow (be spontaneous instead of thinking about what others might think of you). If you adapt to his interests and turn into a fake version of you then things might go great at first, but down the road it won't work out.

    But it's ok to enjoy the flutters and the daydreaming! Just…don't let yourself get carried away. Stop yourself every other moment and think with your head.

    Will be posting later. Take care!

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  4. Anonymous said:

    Scares me because its people like you that end up on the wrong side of domestic violence! Your priorities are out of wack… Sadly, something went awry down the road. Take care of yourselves and forget a man! Work on yourselves and what pleases you. Figure out what makes you you!! Let the flutter feelings come from within because YOU did a good job!! Stop living through and for any one else but yourself!! Then, if its meant to be, one day you will be all ready if and when someone enters your life… You will see in the end, these people mattered not!

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