Desperation

I’m disgusting. 
I’m a fat failure. 
I’m fat. I’m obese.

These are the words that keep repeating in my head on a loop, like some sort of chant. All day. I feel a lot of pain today, mainly because of this…this body. This disgusting ball of fat I call my body. I have a plan in my head to take back all of this and get back in shape. I’m so fat I feel sick.

Meanwhile, the doubts about my career keep popping up. Today and yesterday have been a constant internal battle because my heart keeps telling me to do psychiatry, while my mind tells me to do something else like ophthalmology. I’m tired of this, and I’ve tried speaking to family and friends, but none of their words are reassuring. The reality is, I don’t find anything else as fascinating as I find psychiatry. But then there’s my social anxiety and social awkwardness getting in the way. Especially the anxiety.

I want to talk to M so bad. I need her. She’s all I need right now. But I won’t see her until Tuesday. I can’t wait until Tuesday, I need her now. I can’t quiet down my mind. The degree of desperation I feel right now is indescribable.

I’ve spent practically the whole day locked in my room, sitting in bed, trying to study but not getting anything across. Now it’s 6pm and I haven’t done anything. A fat failure.

And I keep looking at myself in the mirror, body checking, grabbing rolls of fat. Looking at my thighs…especially my thighs. My goddamn thighs. But I can’t stop eating. And what I keep eating is junk food, to top it all off.

I can’t focus. I keep writhing my hands and feet and tensing up my muscles.

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3 comments
  1. Maybe going to the gym and running off some of your anxiety might help? From your description of yourself, i personally don't think you are anywhere near fat, but i don't think me saying that helps in anyway. Tuesday will be here before you know it. I was one of those people who didn't decide what i want to do until September. You have time, don't pressure yourself into making a decision right now.

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  2. Hello Love,

    I know it seems like everything is a pressing matter right now, but try not to get too wrapped up in it and realize that nothing lasts forever. This will pass. Remember that in terms of your weight, nothing is irreversible, and in terms of your future specialty, you have until September to decide on what to apply to! And even then you can apply to both. Why all this anxiety all of a sudden? Do you feel like you need to figure this out right away?

    I don't think anybody is ever 100% sure about any specialty and many people end up in their second or third choices and find a way to make it work. As well, remember what you told me 🙂 If you do find yourself in a specialty that you absolutely hate, there are ways to get out of it. I do know of people who have switched residencies partway through, although yes, it is a hassle. But I believe it's better than being stuck doing what you hate.

    When things are really bothering me I like to write a list of the top 3 things that I would change in my life right now and then what I can do about them. I know you are feeling fat, but I know that you are by no means overweight. You're just used to being underweight. Not that I advocate being underweight (who am I to speak, though…), but simple healthy eating and exercise will always do the trick as long as you can tackle the emotional eating. Has food always been a source of comfort for you? Because I feel like it hasn't and that since it's not a habit for you yet, it will be easy for you to try to curb the emotional eating before it becomes a default coping mechanism (like it is for me).

    With regards to trying to decide where your passions lie in medicine, you have not even had a rotation in Ophtho or Neuro yet. This will definitely help you figure out how you feel about them. And you could try to schedule electives in Psychiatry to get more of a feel for it? I find that with really tough decisions, sometimes it doesn't help to ruminate over them or force yourself to make a choice. Usually the answer will come to you when you least expect it. Things will suddenly become clear as your subconscious is secretly working away at it. You will just know. I truly believe that 🙂

    And I know you know this and this is probably going to sound annoying, but exercise does wonders. Of course you know this – you used to do ballet! Is there any physical activity that you can engage in easily?

    Sorry, I know this comment isn't very sweet and empathetic, but I believe that what will help you the most right now is a little bit of a push to get you out of this emotional state you are in. I know you will be able to get over this hurdle and find a way to tackle your problems. You are a strong, intelligent and introspective woman 🙂

    Sending you lots of love and positive thoughts,
    K

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  3. K,

    I just wrote a new post. Things are a bit calm now in my mind.

    The anxiety about having to decide has always been there. However, we recently had a fourth year orientation that completely freaked me out, and on top of that I hate the uncertainty of not knowing where I'm going and what I'll be doing. It's just me being perfectionist and anxious. It will pass. Hopefully.

    And you're right about there being ways of getting out of a specialty. I like to give advice but seldom follow it myself. I take care of others but not of myself!

    I've definitely been having some trouble with stress-eating lately. Fortunately, it hasn't gotten out of hand. I'll be looking into controlling myself and exercising…not just because I want to lose weight but because I'm terribly unfit and unhealthy.

    And I'm sure as hell looking forward to doing a rotation in psychiatry in my fourth year. I really want to get a better notion of what the specialty is like and perform better in front of the attendings and residents. It's just that I tend to get desperate easily (as you've probably noticed by now!), and seeing time pass by and feeling like I'm wasting my time in other specialties drives me nuts.

    You're right, I needed that little push, so thank you. I tend to get wrapped up in worries and anxiety and lose sight of everything. I swear it's in my genes :S

    Take care!

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