First blog post after that terribly honest post…
And I still feel pretty much the same.
I hate my body. I think there’s no way getting around that at this moment. I know it sounds weak of me, but I don’t think I could feel good about my body if I don’t have a guy telling me I’m beautiful or liking me. I know, I know, love for yourself has to come from within. But, hell, I’ve tried. A lot. For years and years. But there’s so much shit behind my low self-esteem. It’s like I can still hear the voices of the little pre-teens from my grade school telling a 10 year-old me that she stinks and is ugly. And I can’t get those DAMN little voices out of my head!
But! I’m going to try and be positive. *Sigh* Things I like about my body: my long neck, my thick eyebrows, my dark hair, my thick lips. But…I absolutely hate everything else. (I’m saying all of this while in the recesses of my mind a little voice shouts: Fat-ass!).
Now…the resident. My crush. I texted him again yesterday during surgery didactics. That was after I locked eyes with him and gave him a feeble smile, synonym for: Hello, I hope you don’t know I like you! I asked him a question about ophthalmology, in the hopes that I could initiate conversation with him. However, things did not go as planned. After an hour and a half of having texted him, he limited the conversation to just answering my questions. And when I texted “Thank you, sorry for being a pest” he never answered back. So, I took it as a sign that I was being annoying as fuck….and that he wasn’t at all into me.
So, naturally, today was a shit day. I even felt changes in my appetite. That’s how intense and involved I get with my crushes. And, I think this specific guy is going to be very difficult to forget about, especially because I’m considering applying to ophthalmology. So, there’s a chance that even after finishing my surgery rotation I will end up seeing him for at least another month sometime this year.
But it’s so stupid of me, having this crush. He has a goddamn girlfriend. That should be enough to deter me away like pesticide does to an insect. But it’s not. My problem, and this is going to sound very twisted, is that the more unavailable a guy is, the more I feel my self-esteem go up if he shows signs of interest. It’s like a drug. The harder it is to get him hooked, the more I persevere.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a stalker or something. I’m actually quite shy for those things and try to get a guy’s attention in the most subtle of ways. But it wasn’t until now that I realized how my mind works. And it saddens me, because it makes me feel weak and childish. I feel like I’m 16 years-old again and chasing after my Ex. It’s the same old story, the same old strategies in my head. It makes me question whether I’ve matured at all in the past few years.
But I’m so unwilling to forget about this guy. There’s just something about him that keeps me hooked. I’m attracted to him physically, he seems to have a great personality, he’s confident, he’s very smart…the list goes on and on. The part I hate the most is how far my imagination can go. I’ve gone so far as imagining what him meeting my parents would be like! And I barely know him!
I really don’t know where to go from here. I can either cave into my behaviors and fantasies, or I can consciously force myself to stop. But I’m not strong enough for that second option. I’m still this little girl who needs a bit of love in her life.
Now, changing the subject…my career. Today I’ve been freaking out because psychiatry has been pushed to my mental newsfeed again. Psychiatry was my first love. I love the theory, the illnesses, the meds…even the sound of the word “psychiatry”. But I’m so insecure, and that’s what’s eating away at me.
I know that talking to mentally ill patients as a doctor is a skill that you develop with time. However, I’m quite socially awkward in real life, and I don’t know just how much I can develop my skills and how much is simply “non-develop-able”. I keep imagining this all-too-real scenario where a patient confesses something and I just sit there, twiddling my thumbs, almost squirming in my seat, because I have no fucking idea what to say. And, honestly, if I’m going to be that kind of psychiatrist, then I don’t want to be a psychiatrist.
I wasn’t very vocal on this blog when I was doing my psychiatry rotation, and I’m sorry about that. The reality is that I didn’t impress the residents or attendings at all. Actually, I failed a graded interview with an actual patient on the first try and the resident who was overseeing the interview was nice enough to give me a second chance. Sure, the first patient wasn’t exactly the easiest to have a conversation with, and I was very nervous. But if I’m going to be a psychiatrist I can’t choose who I have as a patient. After that, that same resident took me aside and warned me (nicely) that if I wanted to get into psychiatry, I had to be more vocal and proactive. That’s never a good sign.
What I’m trying to get at here, is that I don’t know whether I want to accept the practice of psychiatry as a challenge. Meanwhile, other specialties, like ophthalmology or neurology, seem attractive in practice but I know next to nothing of the theory. Heck, I haven’t even done a rotation in either of these two specialties (yet).
Am I making up excuses to avoid psychiatry? Half of me thinks so, while the other half just thinks I’m being honest with myself. The other day there was a patient in the operating room who had set fire to herself in a suicide attempt. Emotionally, I couldn’t deal with it. And that’s psychiatry’s bread and butter. It’s like a person who wants to be a pediatrician but can’t deal with her emotions when seeing sick kids. It made me question even further whether it was something I was willing to see on a daily basis.
Plus, I have my own mental issues to deal with. Do I have the capacity to put that aside and deal with another person’s issues? And on top of that, hold their hand and lead them in their recovery process? Just how far can personal experience take me?
If I could just curl up in bed with the DSM and not have to interview patients, then I would be the best psychiatrist out there. But I don’t know how to translate my knowledge and excitement into practice. Would residency training help me in that translation process? Or am I hoping for too much? When I was doing my rotation in psychiatry, I was under the impression that even the first year residents had a bit of natural talent going for them.
Oh god. Now I’m freaking out. And it’s late.
I think I’m grossly over-thinking all of this.