I usually don’t post two days in a row, but I have a few things I have to get off my chest. I’ve been isolating, and that’s never good, so I decided to post here. Sorry if this comes off as a rant and sorry for the bunch of irrational thoughts I’m about to write down. Also, sorry for the swearing.
I’m feeling sad for some reason (or many). First off, is my crush. Thinking of him has been keeping me distracted from what’s important right now, like studying. Then there’s the fact that I know nothing will ever happen between us, and that has been keeping me pretty sad. I don’t know how to forget about this guy, when I have to see him every Wednesday at didactics.
Then there’s the self-deprecating thoughts that accompany my crush on this guy. I keep thinking: A guy like that would never like a girl like me. Or: I’m so ugly and pathetic, so stupid of me to think that he would ever like me. Makes me think I will never find anyone, and I’m ashamed to say that I’m getting desperate. I want to love someone, damn it.
There’s also all the recent insecurities and doubts about my career. Psychiatry has been slowly losing it’s appeal, while I keep thinking that I should give ophthalmology a shot. A side of me keeps thinking: Yes, go for it. Give it a shot; while another side of me thinks: No, it’s stupid of you to think you could do ophthalmology, you’re an average student and you weren’t chosen for AOA. Plus, you’re beyond stupid and too quiet to be a doctor.
And there’s the insecurities that go along with choosing ophthalmology…like, am I choosing this specialty to chase after a guy? Am I good enough? Am I making the right decisions here?
Finally, another big issue affecting me these last few days is my body. I’m most definitely at the heaviest I’ve been my entire life, even though I don’t know how much I weigh. Whenever I look myself in the mirror all I feel is disgust. I went from a size 00 Petite to a size 3 in jeans. I even tried on a size 4 dress the other day and it fit snugly. Then on Friday a friend told me: “You look fuller.” Then she tried to fix it by saying: “But you look great!” And yesterday my dad said: “You will always be my skinny girl, even though you’re not as skinny anymore.” Great. Thanks, dad. And my sister Y has commented on how big my butt is, while my mother has said that I’m “larger”. Finally, MM called me “fluffy” when she visited us in December.
Why is it that people feel the need to point out how heavy you look without thinking of the consequences? All the comments I’ve received are affecting me greatly. I feel triggered. Every. Single. Time. I want to lose weight so bad. I want to see a gap between my thighs again. I miss my spiky clavicles, my jutting hips, and the way my ribs stuck out when I would breath deeply. I miss having people asking me whether I danced (which I used to do up until second year of med school). I miss my small wrists.
Instead, I’ve got new stretch marks on my butt and both thighs. I’ve got a belly now. My clavicles almost disappeared. My thighs touch. I have to wear my watch on the fifth hole instead of the fourth. My clothes barely fit. I had to buy 14 pairs of new underwear the other day because my old underwear is too small for my huge ass. I used to fit into a child’s 10-12, now I don’t. I’m afraid of wearing any pants and only wear dresses because the last time I tried to put on a pair of pants I broke the zipper once I got them up to my thighs. And that’s A-line dresses by the way, no body-con, nothing hip hugging because I’m too self-conscious.
And then I mix those thoughts in my head and things like Your crush will never like you, you’re too fat come out. Oh, and my personal favorite: You look like a goddamn beached whale, YOU ARE DISGUSTING.
Damn it! I want to lose weight so bad! I want to get rid of this disgusting fat surrounding my body!
And damn it! I want my crush to like me! Fuck my goddamn motherfucking life! I should just kill myself!
I’m disgusting! I will never be an ophthalmologist! I will never have a boyfriend! I will never be skinny again!