Big piles of bull***t

I usually don’t post two days in a row, but I have a few things I have to get off my chest. I’ve been isolating, and that’s never good, so I decided to post here. Sorry if this comes off as a rant and sorry for the bunch of irrational thoughts I’m about to write down. Also, sorry for the swearing.

I’m feeling sad for some reason (or many). First off, is my crush. Thinking of him has been keeping me distracted from what’s important right now, like studying. Then there’s the fact that I know nothing will ever happen between us, and that has been keeping me pretty sad. I don’t know how to forget about this guy, when I have to see him every Wednesday at didactics.

Then there’s the self-deprecating thoughts that accompany my crush on this guy. I keep thinking: A guy like that would never like a girl like me. Or: I’m so ugly and pathetic, so stupid of me to think that he would ever like me. Makes me think I will never find anyone, and I’m ashamed to say that I’m getting desperate. I want to love someone, damn it.

There’s also all the recent insecurities and doubts about my career. Psychiatry has been slowly losing it’s appeal, while I keep thinking that I should give ophthalmology a shot. A side of me keeps thinking: Yes, go for it. Give it a shot; while another side of me thinks: No, it’s stupid of you to think you could do ophthalmology, you’re an average student and you weren’t chosen for AOA. Plus, you’re beyond stupid and too quiet to be a doctor.

And there’s the insecurities that go along with choosing ophthalmology…like, am I choosing this specialty to chase after a guy? Am I good enough? Am I making the right decisions here?

Finally, another big issue affecting me these last few days is my body. I’m most definitely at the heaviest I’ve been my entire life, even though I don’t know how much I weigh. Whenever I look myself in the mirror all I feel is disgust. I went from a size 00 Petite to a size 3 in jeans. I even tried on a size 4 dress the other day and it fit snugly. Then on Friday a friend told me: “You look fuller.” Then she tried to fix it by saying: “But you look great!” And yesterday my dad said: “You will always be my skinny girl, even though you’re not as skinny anymore.” Great. Thanks, dad. And my sister Y has commented on how big my butt is, while my mother has said that I’m “larger”. Finally, MM called me “fluffy” when she visited us in December.

Why is it that people feel the need to point out how heavy you look without thinking of the consequences? All the comments I’ve received are affecting me greatly. I feel triggered. Every. Single. Time. I want to lose weight so bad. I want to see a gap between my thighs again. I miss my spiky clavicles, my jutting hips, and the way my ribs stuck out when I would breath deeply. I miss having people asking me whether I danced (which I used to do up until second year of med school). I miss my small wrists.

Instead, I’ve got new stretch marks on my butt and both thighs. I’ve got a belly now. My clavicles almost disappeared. My thighs touch. I have to wear my watch on the fifth hole instead of the fourth. My clothes barely fit. I had to buy 14 pairs of new underwear the other day because my old underwear is too small for my huge ass. I used to fit into a child’s 10-12, now I don’t. I’m afraid of wearing any pants and only wear dresses because the last time I tried to put on a pair of pants I broke the zipper once I got them up to my thighs. And that’s A-line dresses by the way, no body-con, nothing hip hugging because I’m too self-conscious.

And then I mix those thoughts in my head and things like Your crush will never like you, you’re too fat come out. Oh, and my personal favorite: You look like a goddamn beached whale, YOU ARE DISGUSTING.

Damn it! I want to lose weight so bad! I want to get rid of this disgusting fat surrounding my body!

And damn it! I want my crush to like me! Fuck my goddamn motherfucking life! I should just kill myself!

I’m disgusting! I will never be an ophthalmologist! I will never have a boyfriend! I will never be skinny again!

  1. Hello Love,

    I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I completely understand and have been there – when everything shitty seems to happen at once. I lost my resident and became painfully single, gained 10 lbs, failed the CS and did below average on the Step 2 all within the span of a month. I wanted to die.

    But please hang in there. It gets better, I promise. Ok this is going to be long.

    First, the guy. How is your communication now? Have you texted since his curt message this weekend? Do you truly want to forget him or do you want to give it a shot and see how it goes? I know that I always hold on to some overly optimistic thread of hope that something will happen and I have never really been able to quell a crush without the help of time and/or another guy. But maybe you are stronger than I and are able to talk yourself into some sense. That being said, I’m not sure if I would even let the fact that a guy has a girlfriend get in the way. I know kind of how you feel when you mentioned that you felt you could get any guy since you had a married one. I felt that kind of power whenever I’ve cheated on my boyfriends (which sadly, is quite often, but always towards the end when I know it’s fizzling out). I felt like I had my pick of guys. It boosted my self-esteem.

    But you know yourself best and if you believe that this crush could cause more pain than happiness maybe you could actively cut down on the communication and/or distract yourself when you start thinking of him? I know it’s so hard, especially when your mind torments you with automatic thoughts such as “No one would like me”. Trust me, I’ve been there. I’ll check my phone for text messages and when I see none the first thing I think is “Why would anyone want to talk to you?” It’s unbelievable how cruel our minds are. Please know that it is not you – actually, he hardly knows you and there are many reasons why he may not show interest, for example that fact that he has a girlfriend, the professional atmosphere that you two are always in, and the common stigma of residents dating med students.

    With regards to being single, I know all too well that heartache and that need for love and to be loved that starts to border on desperation. Unfortunately there really is nothing you can do unless you want to actively start going to bars, classes, meetup groups or try online dating. Actually wait, no, there is something much more subtle you can try that you already mentioned – hanging out with friends more and going out. The problem is is that it’s so hard to stop trying and caring when you really care. When I’ve gotten really lonely I’ll try to see friends more or try to pick up new hobbies. But I know that as a med student you don’t really have time for anything else besides studying, which is a less than optimal distraction 😦 Do you think that if you immerse yourself in school work you can at least lessen some of the guy obsession?


  2. Second, ophthalmology. Yes, it is extremely competitive, but there is no harm in trying for it. There are a few things you can do: try to get info on programs and see if you can get audition rotations at those places, rock your Step 2 and get awesome letters of recommendation. Oh, and you can also have some physicians email the program directors directly on top of letters of rec, which is what I did. I am a below average candidate (come on, I failed the CS! – which really pains me to say because I used to be so smart. Then I got lazy and distracted). So now I am used to being mediocre and failing all my goals. That being said, I actually landed some interviews in competitive fields such as anesthesiology and emergency medicine because I did audition rotations and got awesome LORs. There is absolutely no harm in trying. Of course, I have back up specialties that I ranked as should everybody. Me being me, however, getting those would equal failure so I really need to do an overhaul of my mindset and am still really struggling with the possibility that I won’t get my first or second choices.

    Can I ask you: Why exactly are you worried about trying for ophthalmology?

    Lastly, the weight gain. Ahhh my field of expertise. I can’t believe the things your friends and family have said to you! In a way, it must show how robust they think you are and that they think your self-esteem is strong enough to handle such comments. That, and maybe they don’t realize that your self-image relies heavily on how you look. However, size 3 and 4 are still tiny!! But who am I to give reasonable advice in this area. So, if your weight does really bother you, you can change your mindset or your body. I’ve chosen the latter. I apologize for the terrible advice because I believe you are underweight, but remember that if you were a certain weight at one point you can always get back there. But please don’t be unhealthy!

    Ok sorry for the long preachy rant. I hope it helped a bit. Please let me know how you are feeling and how everything is with you!

    Lots of love,


  3. Hi K,

    Thank you so much for understanding and taking the time to give me advice and such. You really have no idea how much I appreciate it.

    So, the guy. I will be posting about him soon. But I did end up texting him again, yesterday during didactics, just to ask him something about ophthalmology but with all the intention of creating conversation. He took an hour and a half to answer my text and his replies made me feel like I was bothering him or something. He wasn't mean or anything, but I just got that feeling. Maybe it's just me being paranoid (which could well be true). In all honesty, I (rationally) want to forget about him. I'm not at all stronger than you, I'm just the same actually. I have a lot of trouble trying to quell my crushes.

    It's so damn difficult to talk myself out of it, but you're right, there's so many reasons why he might not be showing interest. I mean, he might genuinely not be interested, plus he has a girlfriend, plus it's a professional atmosphere (like you said)….but I have so much trouble convincing myself of those things. Rationally, I know them, but when have I ever acted rationally?

    About being single…trying to focus on school as a means to forget about him is definitely something I could do. My problem is that I've been getting desperate lately, for no reason at all. That's why I'm having these intense crushes with guys. And I know that I have to let it go, seriously. Just forget about it all and when I least expect it, somebody will appear. Plus, like you said, I have to go out more…with friends, or whoever. I need to expose myself to situations where I could potentially find someone but at the same time have a blast if things don't go that way. Again, I know all of this, but I never act rationally.

    As for ophthalmology, I haven't really decided yet that that's what I want. I have yet to go to the ophthalmology clinics next week for the first time (I know, I know…). It's something I'm interested in, but with all of my insecurities I constantly doubt whether I have what it takes to be an ophthalmologist. My problem is, mainly, that I'm ridiculously insecure and have no self-esteem…so I'm always doubting whether I should even go for it. And, me being me, matching into a back-up specialty would mean failure.

    I'm worried about trying for ophthalmology because I just don't want to go through that feeling of failure if I don't make it. I know, I know, it's better to try than to never try at all…but again, I'm so insecure.

    I think I'm seriously over-thinking all of this. Go figure. I overthink everything.

    Ugh, I'll be writing a post about all of this. It'll be lengthy. Bear with me!

    As for my weight…my feelings about it change with my mood. It's a constant up-and-down situation. Currently, I'm trying to change my mindset, because I'm too damn lazy to change my body, let's be honest. Or, if I try to change my body, it will be in an unhealthy way and I know it (eating smaller portions, restricting, etc.). So, I'm trying really really really hard to just go with the flow. But that doesn't take away the fact that I hate myself. It's pretty complicated, but I'm pretty sure you'll understand.

    Ok, enough about me, I'm going to your blog now!


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