I don’t know where to start today, so this post might seem a little fragmented.
Had my appointment with M yesterday. As of yesterday M told me to taper down my Abilify, so that in two more days I will not be taking that medication anymore. I feel accomplished, somehow. Abilify was really a life-saver for me, as Zoloft alone wasn’t doing wonders for me way back when I started seeing M. So, naturally, I feel a bit afraid that I’m finally letting go of this antipsychotic, but at the same time I feel happy…because it means that I’m better. Way better.
During the appointment we discussed how I am lately thinking about changing from psychiatry to another specialty. I read her the four reasons I wrote on my previous post.
And she was proud. She seemed so genuinely happy for me. She told me that my thinking about other careers is a sign that I’m getting more in touch with who I am and accepting myself, instead of walking around like a horse with blinkers. I told her that it was all thanks to her. And she responded by saying that it was more of a team situation, where her and I have made a great team and I have been a responsible patient by being consistent with therapy and medication.
I feel ever so thankful for her being in my life.
Then we talked about my crush, the ophthalmology/surgery resident. She told me that as long as I keep exposing myself to his presence then there will be no way to forget him. And, because he has a girlfriend, I should forget about him. She said that if I keep at it, interacting with him, then I’m risking getting hurt.
It all sounds so simple, to just forget about him. But then today I was at the weekly surgery didactic, and he was there. We were sitting on opposite sides of the room, and halfway into the didactic, out of nowhere, he texted me. I was pleasantly surprised, to say the least. He was asking whether I’d contacted the Ophthalmology Department director, as he had told me to do. Then, at the end of the didactic we looked for each other and I asked him a question about ophthalmology research. And then after I left we kept texting. Nothing compromising, if that’s what your wondering, just a short, sweet conversation. Mainly him giving me advice.
I know I’m playing with fire. I know I’m wrong. I know I’m doing it all over again, looking at an unavailable guy.
But he is so goddamn sweet.