Hopeful

I don’t know where to start today, so this post might seem a little fragmented.

Had my appointment with M yesterday. As of yesterday M told me to taper down my Abilify, so that in two more days I will not be taking that medication anymore. I feel accomplished, somehow. Abilify was really a life-saver for me, as Zoloft alone wasn’t doing wonders for me way back when I started seeing M. So, naturally, I feel a bit afraid that I’m finally letting go of this antipsychotic, but at the same time I feel happy…because it means that I’m better. Way better.

During the appointment we discussed how I am lately thinking about changing from psychiatry to another specialty. I read her the four reasons I wrote on my previous post.

And she was proud. She seemed so genuinely happy for me. She told me that my thinking about other careers is a sign that I’m getting more in touch with who I am and accepting myself, instead of walking around like a horse with blinkers. I told her that it was all thanks to her. And she responded by saying that it was more of a team situation, where her and I have made a great team and I have been a responsible patient by being consistent with therapy and medication.

I feel ever so thankful for her being in my life.

Then we talked about my crush, the ophthalmology/surgery resident. She told me that as long as I keep exposing myself to his presence then there will be no way to forget him. And, because he has a girlfriend, I should forget about him. She said that if I keep at it, interacting with him, then I’m risking getting hurt.

It all sounds so simple, to just forget about him. But then today I was at the weekly surgery didactic, and he was there. We were sitting on opposite sides of the room, and halfway into the didactic, out of nowhere, he texted me. I was pleasantly surprised, to say the least. He was asking whether I’d contacted the Ophthalmology Department director, as he had told me to do. Then, at the end of the didactic we looked for each other and I asked him a question about ophthalmology research. And then after I left we kept texting. Nothing compromising, if that’s what your wondering, just a short, sweet conversation. Mainly him giving me advice.

I know I’m playing with fire. I know I’m wrong. I know I’m doing it all over again, looking at an unavailable guy.

But he is so goddamn sweet. 

And hot.

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2 comments
  1. Hi,

    I am pretty sure the majority of med students go through a questioning of their chosen specialty and often a change of heart. You're right – ophthalmology is very, very competitive. But, if you do some audition rotations (which would be away rotations) and blow them away, you have good chances of matching. That being said, you should always have a back up specialty.

    The thing about psychiatry is that rotations are often not very good representations of how the career is. I'm not sure about yours, but mine was mainly inpatient, which I found extremely depressing. Every one of the psychiatrists had had at least one patient take a swing at them, and the majority of them had actually been hit. Unfortunately, it's hard to allow students in on private outpatient sessions. For me, I would much prefer working with less sick patients in an outpatient setting. In which setting were you interested in?

    I find it so interesting that you say you don't know what to say in certain situations because I find you are very empathetic and your writing is very eloquent. But I understand – writing and speaking are totally different. I am often totally amazed by things my therapist says (albeit, he's a psychologist, not a psychiatrist, but I believe the same type of approach applies) . He so easily pokes holes in my crazy, illogical thinking and makes me see a side of things that I could never have discovered on my own.

    I don't know what more to say about the guy then what I have previously written… having a crush can be harmless and just a fun distraction, but it can also be a huge source of disappointment, wasted time and pain. So.. I guess you have to figure out which scenario is more likely for you. That being said, I know that I have a very hard time trying to quell my crushes. I have not tried reasoning with myself before though – just followed my heart blindly and in the end I realized that I was being pretty dumb. Just wondering, do you regret your first boyfriend?

    I have very, very little willpower and a lot of imagination, so I often end up becoming totally infatuated with people and unfortunately cheating. I had a pretty intense mutual crush during my first year of med school, even though I had a long-term boyfriend that I was sure I was going to marry. Long story short, my crush and I ended up fooling around a bit and it was nothing like I had imagined it. IT SUCKED! And I am so grateful that it did because it set me straight and I realized that I had made a big mistake, and more importantly, that things are never as good as you imagine them to be. I really don't know if that side story helped but I just wanted to show you that people like us often build others up because we end up getting carried away. Most importantly, reality does not equal fantasy by any means. I just don't want you to waste too much time yearning or being hurt if this crush situation really won't get anywhere. How much longer do you think you will be seeing him on a regular basis?

    xoxo,
    K

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  2. Hi K,

    I'm doing ok, a bit bummed right now, but it's all due to splitting, nothing serious.

    I haven't decided 100% on ophthalmology…I still have psychiatry in the back of my mind just in case I have another change of heart. I find psychiatry to be fascinating in theory. However, in practice I think I would get a bit bored talking to patients all day (if I were to do outpatient, which is my main interest). Inpatient, on the other hand, I found to be mainly about stabilizing the patient and sending them home in a matter of days…no therapy involved. And my rotation was 100% inpatient. It was all about finding the best, half-assed combination of meds that could potentially work in the less days possible. And, sadly, this is where psychiatry is going at the moment. I could fight the changes, but honestly I don't feel like fighting. I just want to have a job I like. In addition, I don't see myself being as wise as I see M. I actually see myself freaking out as soon as I have 5 minutes with a patient because I probably won't know what to say. Like I said, I seriously suck at speaking, I'm nowhere near as eloquent in person as I am here.

    As for the resident, I too have a hard time quelling my crushes. Granted, I'm fully conscious of the fact that I barely know the guy. But, yeah, I know I'll have a hard time forgetting about him and I'll probably be very disappointed. I try not to think of him and that sort of helps.

    My first and only boyfriend…can't say I regret being with him, because if it wasn't for that relationship I wouldn't be where I am today. And I like where I am today (I think). I guess it's more of a 50/50 situation. I have different reasons to regret the relationship, and at the same time different reasons to not regret it.

    And I'm definitely just like you, imagining scenarios and having little willpower. This is going to sound absolutely horrible, but having been with a married man makes me feel like I can have any man I want. Even other unavailable men. So, it's really difficult to control myself in this situation where I have a crush on a guy who has a girlfriend. But, I'm trying to be strong, to stop myself, and to be conscious of what I'm doing. Nothing's happened for now, and I'm planning on keeping it that way. I'll be seeing him until the week of March 21st, when I finish my surgery rotation, so there's not much more time left to keep fantasizing. I have peds to focus on after that.

    I'll be posting soon 🙂 Take care,

    Like

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