Creep

I’m back. Passed that test I had yesterday, and now I have a practical test on Monday that I have to study for.

I’m at a very strange place in my life right now. In only a few days things have changed so much.

First off, let’s talk about my career. I have no idea where I’m headed. Two weeks ago I was pretty sure I wanted to be a psychiatrist. Now I’m not so sure. What happened was that my crush, the surgery resident, ignited my interest in ophthalmology. I’ve always been interested in ophthalmology, since a few years back, however I never really paid much attention to it because since entering medical school I’ve never considered myself much of a competitive candidate (and ophthalmology is ridiculously competitive). Honestly, eyes have always fascinated me, but so does the human mind.

My issues with psychiatry are the following (I’m trying to be realistic and honest here)…first off, I liked my psychiatry rotation, but I didn’t find it to be an eye-opening experience, unfortunately. Then, there’s the fact that I had more rapport with my internal medicine patients than with my psychiatry patients. In addition, I don’t have the best people skills, and that has always made me have doubts. Also, I don’t know whether I see myself being a psychiatrist, doing what M does and being as wise as she is. Finally, I never know what to say in difficult situations, and there’s a lot of those in psychiatry.

I think having all these doubts about my career is healthy, but it’s so damn uncomfortable. I feel really lost, frustrated, and even a little embarrassed. Embarrassed because after so much time building this whole psychiatry-persona here I am, questioning whether that’s what I want after all.

I also think a lot of this stems from my deep-rooted insecurities. I’m so insecure and most of the times it’s irrational insecurities.

What do you think? (Leave a comment)

Today I spent the day at a fancy surgery activity that our rotation coordinator wanted us to attend. I was dressed all fancy and nice and, you guessed it, waiting anxiously for my crush to arrive at the activity. Eventually he showed up after I’d lost all hope, and immediately when I saw him I got butterflies and started smiling for no apparent reason. Never a good sign. The last time I had butterflies was when I met my Ex years ago. He was all suited up, and I have a terrible weakness for men in suits.

At one point we locked eyes and said hi. We had a small conversation about ophthalmology and how I’m interested in the field. He was giving me pointers on how to be a more competitive candidate. He’s really nice like that. After that, I spent the whole afternoon stealing looks at him when he wasn’t looking.

The whole problem with all of this is that I’m playing with fire, and I know it. It’s like back when I was crushing on my Ex (except for the fact that the surgery resident, unlike my Ex, seems like a nice and approachable person). I feel like a fly heading towards a hot light.

Why am I so freaking attracted to this guy? It’s so damn frustrating. And, hell, I don’t want to end up between him and his girlfriend. I’ve already been down that road and (I think) I don’t want to go down there again. This is all so confusing, but I feel like I can’t control myself. I feel like this unwavering force keeps bringing me back to him.

I feel like nothing can stop me.

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