Can’t stop thinking about him

Tired. Tired. Tired. All the effing time. That’s what surgery’s about.

And the sad part is that I’m tired of doing nothing. Today I got in at 6:30am, finished my work at 10am, but wasn’t discharged until 2:30pm. All those hours wasted away, when I have a test next Thursday. Needless to say, I’m pissed.

Plus, it’s Valentine’s Day. Damn it. Never really liked this holiday very much. When I was little, I was the one with the fewest Valentine’s Day cards, and now that I’m older I’m the one without a boyfriend. Always lacking something. To top it all off, we’re having a family gathering today, so again, I’ll be the only one without a significant other.

Speaking of significant others, I haven’t gotten over my crush with the surgery resident. I keep thinking about  him, and the fact that I saw him on Wednesday isn’t helping. We had a surgery didactic on Wednesday, and he was there. I had to go up to him because I had some papers he had to sign for me. He asked me how I was, and where I was rotating this week (pediatric surgery service, which thankfully is over now). Then he told me that if I needed anything, to not hesitate to contact him. And then he asked me if I still had his phone number. And I kept thinking: Of course I still have your number. 

The sad part about all of this is that I know I have to stop myself from fantasizing and thinking about him because he has a girlfriend. But, damn it, it’s so difficult when he’s so nice and asks me if I still have his number. I’m even looking forward to next Wednesday now because we have didactics again and he’ll probably be there. Hell, I’m even looking forward to being on call because of this faint hope that he’ll be on call too.

It’s like I can’t control my goddamn thoughts. They drift to him automatically. Sooner than later I’ll have to slap myself across the face just to snap out of it. HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND.

Ugh.

So frustrated right now.

And sad.

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3 comments
  1. Hello Dear,

    How are you? I know just how terrible surgery is and how you are constantly drained. There isn't a moment where you aren't tired! How many weeks do you have left? The sad this is that I find surgery really fascinating but I don't know why the hours are so crappy. Is it really necessary to round at 5:30? To be on 24-hr call every 5 days?

    About your resident, I'm really sorry about the disappointment. I get my hopes up about absolutely everything. I met a guy yesterday who was so hot and so sweet and I am already getting attached. I mean I was really, really sad that he's going to be gone for a week because he's going home. Come on!!! I pretty much just met him! How do we stop this??

    But I don't think you can rush getting over some one. You can try to tell yourself things like “There are other people out there that I can like just as much”, “I don't know this guy that well and he might not be as wonderful as I make him out to be” which can help, but in the end, all you need is time. Time works wonders.

    I am really sad at the moment, too 😦 I gave that guy my number last night but I totally should have taken his instead so it's up to me to get a hold of him. Things are not looking good with MT, even though he was so reassuring on the phone and through text (you should read them!!) Although my instinct says otherwise, I worry that he is bullshitting me. Even though he's not a smooth talking lady's man by any means, I know that guys can be dicks. And maybe for some reason I just wasn't good enough to keep his attention. I mean who wants to be in a long-distance “relationship” with some one you barely know? I can't believe we've kept in touch for this long. I had so much hope.

    Sorry I'm blabbing. Anyways, how are you feeling today? At least goddamn Valentine's Day is over. Chin up, love 🙂 You are such a caring, intellectual and empathetic person and you are wise beyond your years.

    Love,
    K

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  2. Hi K,

    I'm doing ok, I guess. Having normal ups and downs but nothing serious. I definitely agree with you, surgery is pretty interesting, but the hours! I have about 5 more weeks left, I think, but I'm (surprisingly) not looking forward to the end of surgery because that means I have to do peds, which I suspect I will hate.

    About the resident, it doesn't help that I get to see him every Wednesday for didactics. It's like throwing salt at the wound. I keep thinking about him all the time, and shit, I barely know the guy. This happens to me all the time, I get attached in the blink of an eye and then disappointment. Does it make you feel weak when you get attached so easily? In my case, it doesn't help that I'm really looking forward to having my first real relationship.

    About MT, I've been reading your posts 😦 I think you should try to push it to the back of your mind. At least, that's what I would do (and as you already know, I'm not the best person to ask! haha!). I'd push it to the back of my mind just in case things go downhill, then that way I wouldn't feel so disappointed. And as for the other guy, try to not panic. Just let things flow.

    Take care hun, you really have no idea how much I appreciate your thoughtful comments 🙂

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  3. Hi!

    How is your weekend going? I'm feeling like crap because I had an unscheduled binge yesterday due to stupid guy uncertainty. But this morning MT texted. But I still feel like crap.

    Yeah Peds is definitely not my thing, either. I really don't like children. And the dumb parents that decide to have them. I mean, I will love my own children. And some kids are really cute. But the majority suck. Peds ED was the worst. People bring their kids in for the most asinine reasons and waste our time. I'm sorry I really have lost patience for people since starting clerkships.

    Would you prefer it if you didn't see him anymore? I know that I wouldn't… that my need for attachment would be so strong that even if there was no possibility of a future I would still like to have him in my life somehow, if only to try to make him interested and to flirt with him.

    It doesn't make me feel weak that I get attached easily, but it does make me question my judgment. There have been times where I have fallen totally head over heels for some one at the expense of better prospects and after I'm over them I'm left kicking myself wondering why I made such bad choices. Luckily that hasn't happened too much lately but I am always learning. I've learned to give myself frequent reality checks to make sure I'm not getting carried away and ignoring blatant red flags or ridiculousness. I don't know why I ended up so emotionally immature in this respect. I do partly blame my parents, actually. They are like children when it comes to emotions and dealing with them. Sadly, most things that I hate about myself I can trace back to my parents and my upbringing.

    Lately my single friends and I have talked about online dating sites and how we would never go on them. But I do have a lot of friends that have tried them. I don't know why I am so stuck up with regards to them but I refuse to go on them, no matter how desperate I get. Am I being too old school? Have you thought about them?

    Sometimes to take the pressure off of my current crush, I'll be more lenient towards other people. I'm not sure if you ever watched Sex and the City but there's an episode where they talk about “pseudo-dates” taking the pressure off of dates that you really care about. Sometimes I try not to have a knee-jerk reaction of dismissing people that are interested in me and I let myself hang out with them or communicate with them. I think helps to spread around your attention and at least you feel like your eggs aren't all in one basket. Of course there's a fine line between keeping an open mind and just blatantly leading some one on, so I'm always cognizant of that. But maybe you can let yourself hang out with people that you aren't interested in just for the experience, the distraction and the friendship?

    I'm so glad that my comments can be somewhat helpful to you 🙂 I worry about them being preachy or too centered on my experiences. But that's how I relate to people and explain things – by sharing my stories. Having your support and advice has been a real godsend 🙂

    xoxo,
    K

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