Good news, and bad news. That’s what this post’s all about.
First, the good news. I was on call for 24 hours this weekend. Went into the hospital at 8am Saturday and got back home at 9:30am Sunday. Surprisingly, it was fun and I liked it. Spent the whole time busy doing things, didn’t even have a break to get bored, which is awesome. I got home extremely tired and slept a decent 8 hours.
The second part of the good news is that my crush, the surgery resident, was also on call. I spent practically the whole time with him. He joked that I was going to be his future psychiatrist. I spent the whole time stealing looks at him while he didn’t notice, like a little girl. *Sigh*
Now onto the bad news…
He has a girlfriend. Another resident.
So, that’s that folks. I had high hopes for this one, unfortunately, so I’m taking it pretty hard. After spending a whole week with him and crushing on him, now I feel like an idiot. A fool. A dumbass. Whatever made me think that this guy wasn’t in a relationship? They’re ALWAYS in a relationship. Whether they have a girlfriend, or are married, or don’t want anything serious; guys that are worth it are almost always unavailable. And even more so if they’re doctors.
But I had such high hopes. I felt attracted to him even though he isn’t physically a god, and his personality is absolutely wonderful. He’s so nice, and really considerate, not like the other assholes in surgery. I got excited every time I saw him.
So, now I’m sad, and frustrated. And I feel like having a good cry, even though the tears don’t come out. I just feel so frustrated because I’m at this stage in my life where practically everyone around me has a significant other, or is even getting engaged, while I’m here wondering what the hell is up with me that I don’t find a special someone.
Because I can’t seem to find anyone, I keep asking myself “What is wrong with me?”. And the answers to that question stem from my insecurities. M always tells me that when you have questions and can’t find the answers to them, you make up your own answers. So my possible answers to the question of what is wrong with me that I can’t find anybody are:
- I’m ugly
- I have a shit personality
- There’s literally no one out there for me
- I don’t go out enough or socialize enough
- I’m not worth it
It’s kind of sad, really. I feel like I have so much love to give but nobody wants it. I want to love someone, but not just anyone. I want to love someone I feel attracted to both on a physical and emotional plane. I’m tired of being all alone, of having no one to talk to, or take care of, or hold close to my heart.
Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m young and have years ahead of me, and that I shouldn’t be so desperate. But it’s difficult when you’re young and have never had a real relationship, where you weren’t taken for granted. The only relationship I had lasted 5 years, and my Ex never met my parents, or spent a birthday with me, or did other small/spontaneous things with me. Because we couldn’t. Because I was the other woman.
*Sigh* Maybe I’m destined to be the crazy cat lady.
Sorry for the ranting.