Meow

Good news, and bad news. That’s what this post’s all about.

First, the good news. I was on call for 24 hours this weekend. Went into the hospital at 8am Saturday and got back home at 9:30am Sunday. Surprisingly, it was fun and I liked it. Spent the whole time busy doing things, didn’t even have a break to get bored, which is awesome. I got home extremely tired and slept a decent 8 hours.

The second part of the good news is that my crush, the surgery resident, was also on call. I spent practically the whole time with him. He joked that I was going to be his future psychiatrist. I spent the whole time stealing looks at him while he didn’t notice, like a little girl. *Sigh*

Now onto the bad news…

He has a girlfriend. Another resident.

So, that’s that folks. I had high hopes for this one, unfortunately, so I’m taking it pretty hard. After spending a whole week with him and crushing on him, now I feel like an idiot. A fool. A dumbass. Whatever made me think that this guy wasn’t in a relationship? They’re ALWAYS in a relationship. Whether they have a girlfriend, or are married, or don’t want anything serious; guys that are worth it are almost always unavailable. And even more so if they’re doctors.

But I had such high hopes. I felt attracted to him even though he isn’t physically a god, and his personality is absolutely wonderful. He’s so nice, and really considerate, not like the other assholes in surgery. I got excited every time I saw him.

So, now I’m sad, and frustrated. And I feel like having a good cry, even though the tears don’t come out. I just feel so frustrated because I’m at this stage in my life where practically everyone around me has a significant other, or is even getting engaged, while I’m here wondering what the hell is up with me that I don’t find a special someone.

Because I can’t seem to find anyone, I keep asking myself “What is wrong with me?”. And the answers to that question stem from my insecurities. M always tells me that when you have questions and can’t find the answers to them, you make up your own answers. So my possible answers to the question of what is wrong with me that I can’t find anybody are:

  1. I’m ugly
  2. I have a shit personality
  3. There’s literally no one out there for me
  4. I don’t go out enough or socialize enough
  5. I’m not worth it

It’s kind of sad, really. I feel like I have so much love to give but nobody wants it. I want to love someone, but not just anyone. I want to love someone I feel attracted to both on a physical and emotional plane. I’m tired of being all alone, of having no one to talk to, or take care of, or hold close to my heart.

Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m young and have years ahead of me, and that I shouldn’t be so desperate. But it’s difficult when you’re young and have never had a real relationship, where you weren’t taken for granted. The only relationship I had lasted 5 years, and my Ex never met my parents, or spent a birthday with me, or did other small/spontaneous things with me. Because we couldn’t. Because I was the other woman.

*Sigh* Maybe I’m destined to be the crazy cat lady.

Sorry for the ranting.

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2 comments
  1. Hello Love,

    I'm really sorry to hear this 😦 I know all too well that excitement of meeting some one new that you connect with and letting yourself get carried away imagining a future together. Well, maybe you don't do that, but I do and I can't help it. I hate myself for it. Since when did I become such a desperate girl?

    I, too, wonder what the hell is wrong with me. I am smart, attractive, funny, ambitious, cultured. But I don't think there is anything wrong with us – it just takes time to meet some one right. It can be hard for us because all we know are other med students and people from the hospitals. There is also a lot wrong with other people. I am still so surprised every day by just how disappointing people are. I'm a bit older than you and have been in a few long term relationships, but always wanted more. As happy as I was in these relationships, I always found something really wrong about my boyfriends.

    I feel exactly the same way you do. I feel like I have so much love to give, if only I found the right person. I have definitely met the wrong people before and caring for them wasn't as fulfilling as it should have been. It's worth waiting for some one that deserves you. That being said, I am so achingly lonely. All my closest friends are in long-term relationships. Some of them aren't happy in their relationships a good portion of the time though, which brings me to my next point. It may feel like you're the only single person left, but I think that's better than being in a shitty relationship. There are so many people that are together that shouldn't be and I feel like they are desperately clinging to each other. I never, ever want to be in that position. One good thing about my BPD tendencies (if you can call it good) is that when I believe that somebody has done something unforgivable or if I realize that they are not right for me, they are put onto my “bad” list and I find it relatively easy to dump them and get them out of my life.

    I'm sorry this comment was kind of all over the place. But bottom line is don't lose hope and as cliche as this sounds, it's when you're not looking that you meet some one. Just concentrate on being the best person you can be and making yourself happier. I think the rest falls into place. And it wouldn't hurt to say yes to more social events and random activities. Not only is it a good distraction and a great way to strengthen your friendships, but you never know you will meet 🙂

    xoxo,
    K

    Like

  2. Hi K,

    Ugh, I too hate it when I imagine a future with someone. It happens to me all the time. I just feel so bummed out about this guy specifically because I could see myself having at least a date with him. Whatever.

    And I definitely have to go out more and spend time with new people…it's the only logical answer whenever I ask myself what is wrong with me.

    Haven't posted in 5 days because I've gotten home all messed up and tired, but will be posting today.

    Like

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