This is my 200th post. All I can say is: wow…
I’d like to thank everyone reading this, because without you this blog wouldn’t still be here. I’ve found friends thanks to this blog, friends that I might not know in person but I know in heart. And, finally, to you, reading this, whether you’re a medical student, someone with mental illness, or both, always remember: you are strong.
Now, on to today’s post…I thought it would be pertinent to give a little update on how my progress BPD and depression-wise has been lately. I think I can safely say I’m not severely depressed anymore. Depression is definitely still there, like a slumbering little monster, but I don’t wake up hating life anymore. Actually, I forgot to post about this, but M lowered my dose of Abilify from 10mg to 5mg a while ago. So now I’m on 150mg Zoloft and 5mg Abilify, which to me is progress in and of itself.
BPD-wise things have been going OK. I’m aware that it’s really difficult to recover from BPD, but it’s just so frustrating at times.
First I’ll mention the good:
- Haven’t self-harmed since September of 2013…and I plan on keeping it that way.
- Had a scare recently about possibly being addicted to online shopping, but I’ve managed to keep it at bay.
- Been hating my body less lately. I don’t love it, but I hate it less.
- Been more mindful lately. I remember how I used to overreact whenever M would cancel appointments or when there was a misunderstanding. Granted, there haven’t been any misunderstandings or appointment cancellations lately. But I’ve noticed a difference in the way I react to things, I am more aware of my “automatic thoughts” and try to be less irrational.
- Outbursts of anger are a rarity. That could be simply due to the maturity I’ve gained, but I like to think it’s progress BPD-wise.
- Been seeing the gray areas in life a little more
- Paranoid ideations are less palpable. I still think everybody around me is looking at me, but it doesn’t affect me as much….unless I’m in a bad mood.
Now for the bad, or less-good:
- I still have a lot of trouble with black and white thinking. My mood is always either “good” or “bad”. People are always “good” or “bad”. Days are either “good” or “bad”.
- Efforts to avoid abandonment are still there. Maybe not as palpable as before, but I can still feel myself going a little crazy inside whenever M finishes an appointment.
- I still get suicidal thoughts. Not extremely palpable like before, but I do get these tiny flashes of “Just do it.”
- I have a very unstable mood. I can go from elated to depressed within minutes.
- Still have a very unstable sense of self. Who am I? Damn that question.
So, that’s my progress.
That was a fun exercise, actually.