200

This is my 200th post. All I can say is: wow…

I’d like to thank everyone reading this, because without you this blog wouldn’t still be here. I’ve found friends thanks to this blog, friends that I might not know in person but I know in heart. And, finally, to you, reading this, whether you’re a medical student, someone with mental illness, or both, always remember: you are strong.

Now, on to today’s post…I thought it would be pertinent to give a little update on how my progress BPD and depression-wise has been lately. I think I can safely say I’m not severely depressed anymore. Depression is definitely still there, like a slumbering little monster, but I don’t wake up hating life anymore. Actually, I forgot to post about this, but M lowered my dose of Abilify from 10mg to 5mg a while ago. So now I’m on 150mg Zoloft and 5mg Abilify, which to me is progress in and of itself.

BPD-wise things have been going OK. I’m aware that it’s really difficult to recover from BPD, but it’s just so frustrating at times.

First I’ll mention the good:

  • Haven’t self-harmed since September of 2013…and I plan on keeping it that way. 
  • Had a scare recently about possibly being addicted to online shopping, but I’ve managed to keep it at bay. 
  • Been hating my body less lately. I don’t love it, but I hate it less. 
  • Been more mindful lately. I remember how I used to overreact whenever M would cancel appointments or when there was a misunderstanding. Granted, there haven’t been any misunderstandings or appointment cancellations lately. But I’ve noticed a difference in the way I react to things, I am more aware of my “automatic thoughts” and try to be less irrational. 
  • Outbursts of anger are a rarity. That could be simply due to the maturity I’ve gained, but I like to think it’s progress BPD-wise. 
  • Been seeing the gray areas in life a little more
  • Paranoid ideations are less palpable. I still think everybody around me is looking at me, but it doesn’t affect me as much….unless I’m in a bad mood.

Now for the bad, or less-good:

  • I still have a lot of trouble with black and white thinking. My mood is always either “good” or “bad”. People are always “good” or “bad”. Days are either “good” or “bad”. 
  • Efforts to avoid abandonment are still there. Maybe not as palpable as before, but I can still feel myself going a little crazy inside whenever M finishes an appointment. 
  • I still get suicidal thoughts. Not extremely palpable like before, but I do get these tiny flashes of “Just do it.” 
  • I have a very unstable mood. I can go from elated to depressed within minutes. 
  • Still have a very unstable sense of self. Who am I? Damn that question. 

So, that’s my progress.

That was a fun exercise, actually.

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6 comments
  1. Congratulations on your 200th post! That's great. I just reached my 100th yesterday but didn't acknowledge it. Overall, you seem to be improving steadily. In your list of bad points about your BPD, I don't see anything in which you've gotten worse. It's also good tha tyou arent'severely depresssed anymore. I'm glad you could lower yoru Abilify. I had to up mine recently, which scks, being that I'm now at 25mg, which is really a high dose for soeone who isn't psychotic. Anyway, remembe ryou can beat these mental illnesses.

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  2. Astrid, thank you so much for reading and commenting as always! And remember that you too can beat this 😉

    Take care!

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  3. By the way, so glad to see you've got your own url now. Thought I'd lost your blog for a while there 😉

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  4. Hi,

    Congratulations on your 200th post! That's wonderful! I am so happy we found each other through our blogs 🙂 I really enjoy your writing style and of course, the content. So much of it resonates with me. I have never talked to some one who has BPD before and it is nice to know that you really are quite normal and very intelligent!

    AND congratulations on your nomination for AOA!!!!!!!!!! That is truly amazing!!! And you told me your grades weren't good! Pffffftttt!! I am so so so proud of you.

    How is surgery going for you? That is really nice that your residents were so cool. I am now doing my Internal Med Sub-I and it's supposed to be really chill. Today I snuck away after rounds at 1pm! I am so burnt out from the audition rotations and interviews, and luckily I really don't have to impress anyone anymore. I am so happy to be finally getting a bit of a break. I was working 12hr shifts in the Peds ED last month and worked all weekend. I'll be working 7 days straight. I am so unmotivated now.

    It was really good that you wrote about your achievements and stuff that you think you need to work on. It helps to show yourself how far you've come. I still have problems thinking in black and white, too. I tend to categorize my friends in two groups: ones that I like at the moment and ones that I am annoyed with at the moment. And those lists are always changing. That is really wonderful about your self-harming, as well. Was it a compulsion for you to sooth yourself, like food is for me? This year I am trying so hard not to find happiness in food and to show myself that I can feel good from doing other things. I have yet to find those other things however…

    I am really happy for you for how far you've come! Any news about getting Family Med done early enough? I will be replying to your posts on my blog soon 🙂

    xoxo,
    K

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  5. Hi K,

    Surgery is sort of ok I guess. At least this week is ok, since I finally had contact with patients. The part I hate is that I end up so tired at the end of the day that I have no idea how to study for the upcoming tests and shelf exam. Plus, I wish I had more time to sleep, having to wake at 5am every day is not my cup of tea.

    So glad you finally get to take the back seat…after all those interviews! And no more having to impress everybody…I sort of envy you for that, haha! Make the most of this much needed break 😉

    About my self-harming…It was definitely a compulsion in the same way food is a compulsion for you. I would self-harm to soothe the emotional pain away but would always end up feeling guilty afterward. It took a lot of effort to stop myself from doing it. I had to learn to be more mindful and stop my automatic thoughts. Like, for example, I would get the compulsion to self-harm but would never really stop to think why exactly I did that to myself. So, every time I would get the compulsion I started to ask myself “Why?” and “What are the consequences?”. The consequences ended up being that I would be letting down M, but most of all, myself. I hated the guilt that came after the self-harming…so having all that in mind, I started stopping myself from doing it. It takes time for the urges to go away and it takes a lot of effort, but I'm sure it's something you could try in your own road to recovery from your ED 🙂

    As for finding the things that make you feel good, they will come to you. Just let things flow.

    Ahh family med…I still don't know if I'll be able to do it in August, but cross your fingers for me. My school is special in that they give us orientations very late in the semester (incompetence to the maximum degree…ugh!).

    Hope this message finds you well,

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