To be part of you

I was supposed to be on call today on the general surgery service. However, the surgery residents were ridiculously nice and signed our papers and told us to go home. So, fortunately, I’m home and not being worked to death at the hospital.

However, I feel kind of down right now and I’m trying to identify why and what exactly is it that I feel (a good therapy exercise M taught me).

I guess I’m down because of a meeting I had today with a doctor from my school, a psychiatrist. I had sent her an email asking her if we could meet so we could talk about residency and such, so I could have a better idea of things. It went OK, wasn’t as eventful as I thought it would be, but it was OK. I gave her my résumé so that she could give me some feedback. She seemed impressed with my research experience, but told me to do more volunteer work (which I already knew I needed to do).

The thing is, I kind of got this feeling from her that she was skeptical of my wanting to be a psychiatrist. Maybe I’m just being paranoid, but that’s the feeling I got. So, that has me kind of sad because I feel like not even the psychiatrists support me in my career choice. Then, I start thinking about M and how she’s probably just as skeptical as this other doctor.

*Sigh* I’m letting my BPD run wild, that’s the problem. I know I shouldn’t think about what others are thinking because, hell, I don’t know what other people are thinking. M tells me to stop doing that all the time.

About M, I really miss her already. I’m very needy lately. Yet, I put up a wall whenever we have an appointment. Maybe I’m just trying to protect myself from the pain of having to see her go in August. I guess that, instead of dealing with the pain, I’d rather push her away. I know I have to deal with the pain, but I don’t know how…and the clock keeps ticking.

I wish I was as important to M as she is to me.

Just thinking about her leaving makes me cry.

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3 comments
  1. Anonymous said:

    I love reading your blog – it makes me feel less alone! I was diagnosed with BPD around a year ago and am only just coming to terms with it. I'm currently in my fourth year at a UK medical school and reckon that you'd make an excellent Psychiatrist because you have first-hand experience as to how patients feel!

    I'd love to talk more through e-mail if you're up for it? Sort of as a pen-pal across the pond? (Hoping that doesn't come across as needy! Still getting to grips with all these overwhelming emotions!)

    R

    Like

  2. Hey R,

    I'm so glad my blog makes you feel less alone! And I wouldn't mind at all talking more through e-mail. borderlinemed(at)gmail(dot)com

    Hope to hear more of you!

    Like

  3. Anonymous said:

    Just sent you an e-mail from my hotmail account – just in case it ends up in your spam box by accident!

    R

    Like

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