Left unsaid

Sorry I didn’t post for 4 days. Surgery is really draining me. I’m really tired right now, it was a long day. And tomorrow will be another long day of lectures. Honestly, I don’t like surgery. I’m hoping it will end as fast as possible.

But, I have good news. Seems that, after all, I’ll be able to apply to the visiting rotation I wanted…that is, If I can do family medicine in August. If all goes according to plan, I’ll be able to do a clerkship at a hospital miles away from here, in a part of the country I’ve never been before. I’m ridiculously excited….and afraid….but mainly excited.

Let’s see what happens.

In other good news, I received an email yesterday that really surprised me. Apparently, I was nominated for Alpha Omega Alpha, or AOA. For those of you who don’t know, AOA is a national honor society for medical students. Now I have to turn in my résumé so a committee will consider it and see if they will accept me into AOA.

Honestly, I highly doubt they’ll accept me into AOA. My résumé was great up until the moment I began medical school, now it’s crap. Plus, I’ve screwed up my grades in third year. Whatever, I’ll turn in my résumé, I just don’t want to get my hopes up.

Yesterday I saw M. We talked a bit about my future, and how I’m handling things. She was quick to point out the fact that I always let the tiniest details bring me down, like getting practically depressed over thinking that I wasn’t going to be able to apply to that visiting rotation. Meanwhile, I don’t get happy or excited over the big things, like being nominated for AOA. But, really, what was important about the appointment was that I realized I’m putting up a wall between her and I. I don’t know why, but slowly I’m building this wall, and being less spontaneous during therapy…like I’m restraining myself. I think I’m maybe trying to unconsciously protect myself. I don’t know, I’ll have to think about it and I’ll post more on that later.

Finally, today I did a very random and out-of-character thing. Back in first year, when things exploded for me emotionally, I went to see my med school’s psychologist (see this post). I had a few months of therapy with her, and eventually stopped seeing her because she never answered an important email I sent her before leaving for a summer internship (a very BPD thing of me). But today I went to her office just to say hi, and I decided to get an appointment with her for next week, just to update her on what’s been happening to me since first year of med school.

I think it’s the right thing to do. I think she deserves an update. But I can’t help but feel like I’m betraying M.

I think there’s a lot of things here left unsaid. I’ve got to gather my thoughts.

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