I am falling asleep as I write this. It’s been quite the long day. Too long for my comfort.
Woke up at 5:00am and arrived at the hospital at 6:45am, the time we were supposed to arrive for the start of the surgery rotation. We waited for half hour and the surgery residents finally arrived. They ignored us. When they decided to acknowledge our presence, they told us to come back in 1 hour. We did. When we did, we were then told to come back at 10am, as that was the time the surgeries were to begin. So we came back at 10am. And the surgeries did, indeed, begin at 10am. One of the residents was friendly, and introduced himself. He even asked our names, although he acknowledged that he won’t remember them. The other resident was oblivious to our presence, and just walked past us.
Surgeries began, and we were not given instructions as to where to go, or what to do. So, we divided ourselves in pairs and went into the respective operating rooms. The surgery dynamic is not new to me, as there’s a bit of surgery in Ob/Gyn. As a medical student you usually just stand there watching, pretending you’re interested, and making sure you’re not in the way or breaking the sterile field. So, that we did.
We were kicked out of the operating rooms by the technicians twice. We were completely ignored by the residents, except when they decided to ask the random-est questions ever known to humankind. And I’m still not sure exactly what attending I’m supposed to report to.
So, that was surgery. I hate it. And to think, there’s about 9 more weeks of this.
But! (and that’s a big but!) There’s good news after all! I passed the internal medicine final (shelf) exam! And what’s even more surprising is that I got an 82%, which is crazy good considering how difficult it was. But even more important than that: I PASSED, DAMN IT! FUCK YEAH! (sorry about the swearing, haha!).
The funny part about it is that I had therapy with M yesterday and I waited to see whether I passed or not until I had her right in front of me and we were in her office. She seemed genuinely glad for me. The lesson about all of this, she said, was that I can, after all, do this…that I am NOT a failure, and I can do good things and allow myself to be happy.
As for therapy, it was awesome. It had all to do with the fact that I was in a good mood after seeing the exam grade. But there were a lot of things left unsaid. I feel like I need M more than just once weekly.
You know, I don’t feel so good after all. Yesterday was a great day. Today, not so much. It has all to do with BPD and black and white thinking. I passed the exam, so yesterday was a GOOD day. Surgery was a waste of time, so today is a BAD day. See what I mean?
Well, that’s that. I’m going to sleep now.
…One day less so I can finish surgery.