Impulsive

I regret writing my previous post. However, it’s how I felt at the moment, so it stays.

Things have gotten better at home. Way better. My sister and her boyfriend left on Wednesday and things have been calm ever since. No major arguments, no shouting at each other, etc. My theory is that my mom was under a lot of pressure, and having my sister around put her in a stressful situation. My mom gets stressed easily, and any changes in routine throw her off. Meanwhile, my sister has very low tolerance for my mother’s negativity. It was a recipe for disaster.

So, thankfully, that’s that. Back to routine now….but I sure miss my sister a great deal. The house just isn’t the same without her. 😦

I finished my internal medicine rotation yesterday. We had the final exam, and it was over. I don’t know if I passed, honestly. The test was incredibly difficult and I know that I didn’t study my 100% best, so I’m just crossing my fingers that I get a passing grade. If I don’t pass it will be a huge blow to my already non-existent self-esteem.

As for BPD…I’ve been having trouble recently with impulse buying. I’ve always thought that I have an addictive personality. For example, one time a doctor prescribed me one single Xanax pill to calm me down before a dental procedure, and it turned out that I liked it a little too much. I’ve never tried Xanax again, but I’ve always thought that if I do, I run the risk of getting addicted easily due to having BPD (more on that in another post).

So, lately, I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping. Impulse buys. And the worst part is that as a student, I have absolutely no income, so I’m spending my savings.

But the rush I get whenever I buy something is incredible…and the rush I get when it arrives on the mail is even more indescribable. I haven’t discussed this with M, about my addictive personality, but I feel it’s important to do so.

The problem is, I’ve been feeling quite distant from M lately. I don’t know if I’m unconsciously trying to protect myself from the fact that she finishes her training in August of this year and is leaving after that.

Someday I’ll conquer BPD…but I guess it’s not today.

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