Killing me softly

It’s a stressful week. I have a written test on Friday…one of those tests that if I fail I can repeat once; yeah, one of those (shelf exam for those med students reading this).

But I have to take a break from my non-studying to write this.

These last few days have been total havoc in my home. My mom has been having arguments with MM. In all honestly, I’m on MM’s side. MM flew hundreds of miles back home to spend the holidays with us, yet my mom has been arguing with her non-stop and hasn’t demonstrated any interest in MM’s current life. Mom has been extremely irritable and angry all the time, to the point where talking to her is like walking in a damn fucking minefield.

To make matters worse, I saw MM and dad crying yesterday. Again, because of mom and an argument she had with MM. My dad’s suffering a lot. He too has been on the receiving end of my mom’s arguments.

There’s no peace in my home, at all. It’s a war zone. 

All of this has been affecting me a lot. It’s made me want to leave home for residency and see what life outside of this house is like. It’s taking away my ability to focus on studying. It’s making me want to sleep all the time. It’s making me block my emotions constantly.

I can’t feel anything but pain.

I don’t know how my mom got like this. According to MM she’s gotten worse as the years have passed. I haven’t noticed, all I know is that it’s pure hell living with her and that I want to leave. It makes me want to scream at her until I get hoarse, scream and tell her about all the things she does that affect us. But, I know that even if I did scream at her, she wouldn’t accept that she’s wrong and making us suffer. She’d simply get pissed and keep walking, which is why I don’t bother.

I feel terrible saying this, but even if she was indeed depressed I can’t get myself to feel any empathy towards her. It’s too damn difficult, when all I want is a caring, loving, mother.

I just wish things were peaceful.

In the meantime, here I am, in a battlefield.

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2 comments
  1. Your med school seems pretty chill, allowing you guys retake shelf exams. That doesn't exist at my school in any way. I think it will be good for you to do some away rotations in 4th year. I think med school is hard enough as it is, you shouldn't live in a war zone. Hope things get better for you.

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