I saw my mom cry yesterday.
That’s the second time I see her cry recently. Last time was in December when one of the dogs ate one of the Christmas tree ornaments and made a mess in the house. This time around it was because of a tiny thing MM did. She started talking about how none of us (her children) care about her.
Since yesterday, then, I’ve been thinking mom might be going through another depressive episode. *Sigh*
In spite of everything, I love my mother dearly, and of course I care about her. It hurt when she said that we didn’t care about her. It makes me think that maybe she regrets having the four of us, that she regrets the life she chose as a mother. Sometimes I think she hates her life, and yesterday was one of those days.
To deal with all of this, I’ve been blocking my emotions. I’ve been keeping myself far away from her to give her some space and to protect myself too.
The sad part is, I’ve been seriously considering leaving town for residency lately. I’ve been drifting toward that option, searching for programs, looking at different cities, etc. That would leave my mother alone with my father. I don’t know if that’s good for her or not, but it’s a way of protecting myself.
I feel like I’m abandoning her.