Stopping for directions

Today was a kind of strange day. First off is the fact that I went to mass. The thing is, I’m not at all religious, I’m agnostic. I went to mass with my family, however, because a cousin of mine was ordained as a priest recently and it was his first time giving mass close to town. I had a lot of flashbacks during the mass, because I was raised a Catholic and went to a Catholic school. Flashbacks of going to mass in school, being a believer at some point in my life, and then giving it all up as the years progressed.

After mass we had lunch with the whole family and a lot of friends to celebrate my cousin’s priesthood. I actually enjoyed it, not one thought about medical school or misery crossed my mind.

But then I fell asleep at home after getting back from lunch. And now that I’m awake I can feel myself internally screaming because on Wednesday I begin working at hospital again. All that internal peace I had with me earlier in the day is now gone.

Honestly, I feel trapped in medicine. I feel like I’m trying to fit a very creative and artistic person into this small, generic box. That’s why I don’t want to start working on Wednesday. Sometimes I even fantasize about leaving medicine in the distant future, when I’m economically stable and independent, and going for a career related to art. And I’m not the only one with these thoughts. One of my best friends from medical school has told me he fantasizes about leaving medicine in the future too, to become a realtor. I can’t say that I hate it, but I don’t love it either, which is mainly why I’m sticking it out.

But I still have my doubts, constantly. I was asking myself yesterday whether medicine was the sole cause of my depression. Then today, my mother was explaining to a distant aunt how I, unlike her, actually like medicine. Inside, I was thinking: “Wait, what? I like it? Do I, really?” It stuck with me.

Still, there’s something about helping the mentally ill that attracts me…kind of like an insect to a really bright light. There’s all this dark around me but there’s this bright light in the distance called psychiatry.

I really hope all of this works out. I have no idea where my life is going, and it scares me.

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