Crazy is as crazy does

The current model in science is that mental illness is the result of three factors: psychological, biological, and environmental. Don’t worry, I’m not aiming to bore you with a discussion of this. That was just an introduction.

In the biological realm is genetics. Yep, those damn genes everybody’s blaming nowadays for whatever illness or condition they have. And since genes are in vogue right now, I thought I would jump on the bandwagon. Why not?

There’s definitely a history of mental illness in my family. It was only now that I realized just how much all of that affects me and how important it is to have this in mind if I have children in the future (very distant future).

First off is my grandfather…my mother’s father. I never met him. He was an alcoholic. Strike #1.

Then is my grandmother…my mother’s mother. She died in 2012. I never spoke with her directly about this, but I suspect she was an alcoholic late in life, and that she suffered from depression at some point also. Strike #2.

Next up is my mother. Dear mommy, bless her. She’s special, that one. She herself has told me that she thinks she has had episodes of depression in her life. M deducted this from my descriptions of her alone without having to meet her. Strike #3.

Then there’s my sister MM. She had an episode of mild depression in college, for which she decided to transfer to the university closest to home. She is followed by my grandmother on my father’s side, who my mother has always said had problems with anxiety, which I started mimicking at a young age. Strikes #4 and #5.

Finally, today I realized that maybe my father is going through his own episode of depression. He doesn’t talk much about it, but due to different clues he has let out here and there, I inferred he probably has some degree of depression. Strike #6.

And then there’s me, little old me. Diagnosed with major depressive disorder and borderline personality disorder. It scares me to think that mental illness might run in the family and that my future children may be predisposed to it. It would be devastating to see a child of mine having to live with depression.

Yep, we’re an interesting bunch.

PS: I’m not doing OK. My mood went down yesterday after going to a cousin’s wedding and realizing that I’m alone and single. Then today things got worse. I spent most of the day sleeping, as I’ve been doing lately. Also, MM has been angry the whole day, and that has really affected me. Finally, there’s the fact that I begin second semester this coming week, which is proving more difficult to accept than I thought. I can’t begin another semester of school right now, not in this state.

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