Hadn’t posted in a few days because my sister, MM, the one that lives in Country X, came to visit us for Christmas with her boyfriend. They will be here until January 16th, which is simply awesome.
But other than that, I’m having a bit of trouble with my emotions. I was doing OK when I was told I passed the ObGyn practical test, but after that the reality of internal medicine has slapped me straight across the face. I had a small reunion with the course coordinator to discuss my grades so far and she told me I didn’t pass the internal medicine practical test (which I already knew) and that in the most recent written test I got a shitty grade (which I also knew).
That absolutely destroyed my good mood. Then today I also got a very low grade on the last internal medicine test. I’ve been trying to remind myself of the positives, like passing the ObGyn practical test, but I keep focusing on the negatives automatically.
I had an appointment with M yesterday and we discussed this whole problem with me focusing on the negatives ALL THE TIME. I mean, literally, it’s all the time. No matter what positive thing is happening in my life, I focus on the negatives. And that affects even my body image, to the point where I can’t accept gaining weight.
But, going back to medicine, I think the problem is that lately I’ve stopped caring about a lot of things. I need a break, and I need to rethink whether I really do love psychiatry so much that I want to sacrifice the best years of my life studying. I’m tired of the bullshit. I’m tired of studying. I’m tired of failing at everything I try. Everything except psychiatry has become a drag to me and I’m bored to death. Every day is a drag, honestly.
Today I begin Christmas vacations. I’m going to do a lot of thinking during this time, about everything, about life.
Let’s see how that goes.