Rage

So, I couldn’t post what I wrote yesterday because of the crappy internet connection. Here’s what I meant to post:

“In my last post I mentioned how my ObGyn practical test score still hadn’t been posted. Well, I still don’t know whether I passed. I know I should e-mail the rotation coordinator to check whether I passed, but I’m so damned scared of being told I failed.

Either way, panic took over me yesterday, as it turns out I didn’t pass the internal medicine practical test by 7 crappy points. This means I have to re-take it in April. Another test, another failure. Yesterday I cried. I allowed myself to cry due to all these failed attempts, but I will not cry anymore.

But it doesn’t mean I’m a failure. I’m trying to gather the strength to study hard this time around. I’ll admit that I haven’t been putting too much effort into medical school this year, and it was only today that I realized this. I’ve been feeling very lost this whole semester, and my sudden bad grades can attest to that.

But why do I feel so lost, you might wonder? First off, third year is a very lonely experience. You barely see your friends. Then, there’s the fact that I have to do rotations in a bunch of areas of medicine I’m not interested in. And then there’s the change in routine. First and second year you’re sitting in an amphitheater taking classes, but in third year there’s barely any lectures…you’re left to fend for yourself.

I also had an appointment with M today and I mentioned to her that I didn’t pass the internal medicine practical test. We discussed that and she thinks that I should definitely study more and also practice with a partner. That’s definitely doable.

And I will do it. Yesterday I cried, but today I’m filled with rage. And that will be what drives me from now on.”
 

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