I’m in a weird place right now emotionally.
I had the internal medicine practical test today. Half of it was OK, the other half was kind of a mess, so honestly I can’t really predict whether I passed or not. After the test I went shopping with my mother. I’ve been having trouble lately with covering my feelings with impulse shopping. Instead of feeling my emotions I go out and buy things. Guess it’s part of the borderline personality.
The problem that keeps wracking at my brain is that my ObGyn practical test grade hasn’t been posted yet, which could only mean one thing: I probably didn’t pass. Since yesterday I’ve just been preparing myself to receive an email saying I didn’t pass. I’m preparing myself emotionally for having to repeat the ObGyn course next year. I figure, if it’s going to happen, then it’s better to be prepared than have it take me by surprise.
Either way, it’s still a blow to my ego and self-esteem. As ridiculous as it sounds, I’m not used to getting bad grades, or failing a course altogether. And I fucking hate how it feels.
I had an appointment with M this past week and we talked about this issue with ObGyn. She told me that I let so much of myself be determined by something so simple as grades. She asked me when is it going to stop. I really don’t know. I mean, I don’t know how to stop.
M also told me that whenever I do something good, like passing Step 1, I barely pay attention to that. Meanwhile, when I fail at something or have something negative happen to me, I pay so much attention to that. I focus on the negatives, instead of focusing on the positives in my life. Then on top of that, I let it destroy me completely and it affects me emotionally.
But I don’t know what to do about this. It’s great having M point out these things to me, but it would be even better if she could have the answer to everything, like how to not focus on the negatives. I know it sounds like something so simple, but when you’ve been focusing on the negatives all your life and putting yourself down all those years, it becomes part of you. Then on top of that you have a mother who is very pessimistic…well, it’s a recipe for disaster.
I don’t know, I just hope that someday I’ll be able to look back at this and make sense of it all.