Older men

Hey. You remember when I didn’t pass the two ObGyn tests and said I had to re-take them? Yeah, well, the time has come to re-take the practical test. It’s this Thursday and I’m freaking out. If I don’t pass the test this time around I will have to repeat the ObGyn rotation.

I really hope I pass. After that test I have to re-take the written test in June…and hopefully after that I won’t hear about ObGyn ever again in my life. That is, unless I don’t pass…which WILL NOT HAPPEN.

Forgot to take my meds this weekend and the lack of withdrawal signs made me wonder whether the drugs are doing anything. Either way, I feel it’s safe to say that by now I’m not depressed anymore. At least 2 months have passed that I’ve been symptom-free. I guess that’s cause for celebration???

But anyways, I was thinking about what I posted previously…about my being attracted to older men, including my attending for these past four weeks.

I think being with older men, to me, is a way of being dependent, of not being independent and my own person. Older men provide love, attention, and a good life without having to put so much effort myself. Since I’m afraid of being independent and being alone, I look for relationships where I can be dependent and be treated like a girl.

It’s not that I’m not attracted to men my age, it’s just that with younger men I have to put more effort into “catching” them. In addition, I would have to be independent, and my own person, to be with a younger man, or at least I see it that way.

Honestly, being with an older man, to me, is a comfort zone. It’s what’s familiar to me after being with an older man for 5 years. I know what to do, I know how to do it, and it works. A younger man, to me, means uncertainty, it’s something I don’t know how to do.

I think it all has a lot to do with my lack of self-esteem. I feel incapable of being independent and of finding a decent man my age.

As for daddy issues…I guess maybe I do have a bit of daddy issues that explain why I’m attracted to older men. Older men take care of you, can treat you like a girl….things I might have felt my dad did not do at a certain crucial point in my life. My dad is a good dad, always has been, but I was never a “daddy’s girl”. As a girl I always favored my mom over my dad for some reason. The relationship with my dad has only gotten better in recent years, and even then it’s a bit contrived. 

*Sigh* I don’t know if I’m on the right path here.

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