Had a nice Thanksgiving dinner yesterday with my family, or what’s left of it in this town.
But right now what I feel is paranoid. I was facebook stalking and came across my Ex’s wife’s facebook page. I live in constant fear of this woman, and seeing that she is a few facebook friends away from seeing my own profile freaked me out. But I’m tired of living in fear, tired of hiding.
Today I went to the hospital to present a case to my attending. He gave me a 98% and also gave me the evaluations for my work in the rotation so far. He also gave me a 98% on the overall evaluation and gave me positive feedback. He said I did a great job, but that I have to speak up more. You see, I’m the type of person who lets her work speak for itself, but I guess that’s not enough in medical school. Oh, wait…NOTHING’S enough in medical school.
Had an appointment with M on Wednesday. I was holding back a bit because after so much time of not seeing M it’s difficult to just open up and speak about what’s going on inside my head. We talked about my having to decide what the hell I’m going to do my residency in and where. She made a list of pros and cons and after listening to me she said that I’m quite ambivalent when it comes to my #1 pro and #1 con. I told her that I want to be independent and do things alone and for myself, while I’m also very afraid of being alone; terrified, actually. So, in essence, I want to be alone but I’m afraid of being alone. Get it? That’s pure ambivalence right there, ladies and gentlemen, and I have no fucking idea what to do about it.
Then we talked about something that’s terribly embarrassing for me but that I felt was necessary to talk to her about….
I’m attracted to my attending.
There, I said it. I only recently realized it. Thankfully, I’m not going to be working with that attending anymore because next week I start working in an outpatient setting. But the point is, that I was attracted to this older man who happened to be my teacher. See a pattern there?
It’s exactly what happened with my Ex. Exactly the way things began.
And it’s really difficult for me to talk about this because I don’t want anyone to think I’m some kind of socially inept freak, especially M. I told her that maybe the fact that I get attracted to these men so easily is because I have daddy issues, but she told me that just because someone is attracted to older men doesn’t mean they have daddy issues. She told me to think about it for the next appointment.
The thing is, I don’t understand myself. I don’t understand why I keep getting attracted to these men. I don’t understand why I do this to myself. I keep thinking there’s something terribly wrong with me after all this time of therapy, something that I haven’t been able to crack open within me. What is it that I seek from these men? Power? Economy? What is it? It’s driving me insane.
I feel like such a fuck-up.