Please don’t leave me

Yesterday I took the day off. I went shopping with my mom, sister and her girlfriend. It was fun.

Now today I have to study. How fun (sarcasm).

I was thinking about the last appointment with M, the things we talked about. At one point in the appointment she hinted that therapy is going to become more sparse from now on, seeing as I’ve gotten better. She spoke about how at some point the relationship will become one of maintenance and less of active therapy.

To be honest, it scares me to death, not having her as a crutch to lean on. I’ve been patiently waiting for the next crisis to come around, but for quite a while now things have been calm, and mood-wise I’ve been fine. So it really scares me that what she was talking about might happen sooner than later.

I just, don’t feel prepared for it. Rationally, I know I’ll never feel prepared, but either way it scares me. I don’t know if I’m as “OK” as she thinks I am. I don’t know if I’ve recovered enough.

All of this scares me, these changes. So many changes happening all at the same time, I feel they have the potential to destroy me. There’s my having to decide where and what I’ll do residency in. There’s M talking about how the therapeutic relationship might be over soon. There’s third year of medical school to deal with…

I’m scared.


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