A patient

I’ve pushed the whole situation with my Ex to the back of my mind just so I can remain fully functional this whole week. I kept holding the feelings off just so I could explore them more at my appointment with M tomorrow. However, M cancelled the appointment. Now I’m angry and frustrated. It’s been 4 weeks since I’ve had therapy and that creates a break in my recovery. There’s no continuity. How can I expect to get better if there’s no continuity?!

Now I’ll have to wait until next Wednesday for our next appointment. That is, unless she cancels that one too. (Cue the abandonment issues!)

I honestly haven’t been doing all too well. I don’t know what it is that I feel, but I know there’s something wrong.

Then today I’ve been sad all day. This morning I evaluated a new patient at the hospital’s ER who came for blood in her stool, diarrhea, and pain in her abdomen. I found her to be very sweet, very cooperative…she tolerated my complete incompetence and lack of experience and even gave me feedback, telling me that I seemed nervous (which I was). When I finished her admission papers and went to see her vitals and lab results in the record system, it turned out she already had had a CT scan performed. The fourth year medical student showed me the results…

…A lesion consistent with adenocarcinoma…A.K.A: Cancer

I felt frozen from head to toe, and I felt so bad. The rest of the day I couldn’t stop thinking about this patient, about how if the diagnosis is true, then her life will change completely, how she was so nice and humble. And it was terrible knowing this information about her CT scan and then having to see her again in the ER but not being able to tell her about it.

I’m just, an emotional mess today I guess.

Internal medicine is definitely not for me.

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