You know, on Friday, after what happened (see previous post), I didn’t know what I felt. I think I was in denial, or numbing out my emotions unconsciously.
Then, on Saturday, I was so angry…at my Ex’s wife, at everything, at the whole situation. And especially at being called a “slut”.
Around came yesterday, and I realized something very important about what I was feeling. In spite of all the anger, and the flashbacks, the dreams about them…in spite of all that, I was especially angry at my Ex. You know why? Because I realized I barely meant anything to him. All those years he told me he didn’t love his wife, that he would divorce her as soon as he had the chance, that he wanted to be with me.
Yet, there they are, still married. And, really, if they reconciled and found love somewhere between them, then kudos to them. But it makes me feel so insignificant that I meant so little to him, that he lied to me all those years. And seeing as it means so much to me, it makes me think that I really did love him at some point. But, you know, it made me cry last night when I realized this, because it meant that in spite of him being so important to me, I was completely insignificant to him.
You know, I don’t understand why exactly I’m having this flood of emotions suddenly. I thought I was over all of this, that it was in the past.
I’ve made so many bad choices in my short life, and I think that most of all I was angry at myself. Did I consciously make these choices or did I drift into them with eyes shut? Was it my own making or was it destiny?
But, (looking for a silver lining here) if it wasn’t for the choices I’ve made, albeit bad ones, I wouldn’t be here today. I wouldn’t have gotten depressed, would never have discovered my BPD diagnosis, wouldn’t be considering leaving town for residency, probably wouldn’t have this blog, would still be very immature…
I wouldn’t have transformed into what I am today.
Is this my second chance?