Lost in internal medicine

Had my first internal medicine test today. I didn’t pass, but I actually fared better than I was expecting, so I guess that’s good? Sort of? There’s some bonus points I earned for another quiz I took recently, so after adding those points I’m pretty sure I’ll pass the test. Point is, the test was on cardiology and pneumology, and I suck terribly at those two…so I’m done with them for now.

I really don’t like internal medicine. The good thing is that the rotation is more relaxed at the hospital I’m at, and the team I’m working with are very nice. So at least I don’t have any horror stories to post here, thankfully.

However, I do feel very lost, and very dumb. Every day reminds me that I still don’t understand how I’ve made it this far in medical school. There’s so many things I don’t know how to do, or questions I’m asked that I can’t answer. It really leaves me wondering where all my knowledge has gone and what impression I’m giving the attending and the fourth year medical students I’m working with.

Honestly, I feel very inept.

I try to remind myself constantly exactly why I’m studying medicine, and the fact that I liked my psychiatry rotation. However, it’s very difficult when you’re a quiet person by nature and feel that your future is threatened unless you speak up. Sometimes I feel it’s unfair how much pressure they put on us introverts in medical school. If I could just listen to patients and observe and analyze and then speak up, then that would be wonderful. But I feel there’s this constant pressure for me to speak  up without listening, or to be more extroverted than I feel comfortable being.

It’s another reason that makes me wonder whether medicine is for me.

Yet, here I am….I’ve made it this far, through depression, BPD, and medicine all together. That must mean something, right?

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