Depression is as depression does

My mom doesn’t want me to leave town to do my residency (specialty training) after I graduate. She wants me to do my residency at my school’s hospital here in town.

But I’m not so sure I want to stay.

We were talking about this yesterday. I started bombarding her with places I was considering for my residency and she told me she doesn’t want me to leave. The reason? She said she’s afraid of me falling into a deep depression again if I were to leave, and that in that case I would be entirely on my own.

The problem about all this is that I have that same fear. I think it’s safe to say that my depression is in remission now, I mean, I think it’s been at least 2 months of no depression (I don’t have a mood calendar to track my fluctuations). However, I live in constant fear of falling again, and that extends to my residency training.

If I were to leave for my residency I would have the opportunity of exploring a different life, of living away from home, and of being independent both economically and emotionally. However, I also know the statistics of depression. I believe I’ve had at least two episodes of major depression in my life, and the more episodes you have, the more probable it is that you’ll have another episode.

So, naturally, I’m afraid. However, like my sister MM said, I can’t live in constant fear of falling into depression again or I wouldn’t do anything in life. And of course she’s right. I know that….rationally. But it’s something I’m terrified of, falling again. 

And in the meantime, I still have to decide whether I’ll stay or go for residency.

I just hope things turn out fine. That’s all I hope for, really.

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