Had my first day of internal medicine today and I can already tell I’m not going to like it. The first week is just lectures, so I won’t be in hospital until next week. But guess what the lectures were about today? Yep, you guessed it: Cardiology. I think the biggest problem that I have is that I’m just very afraid of failing internal medicine. I’m not the best when it comes to pathophysiology, so I’m just hoping that my clinical skills will hold me up. I’m really worried…but for now I guess all I can do is study and hope for the best.
In other news, my mother made me feel like shit a little while ago. My sister Y has a girlfriend, and we were talking about how she’s pretty much a self-made woman because she left her home when she was 17. Then my mom looked at me and said: “Look at that, you can’t even go to the mall on your own.” I told her that wasn’t funny. Then she said: “I admire people like that,” referring to my sister’s girlfriend. Gee, thanks mom, for making me feel like utter shit!
You see, I have this problem where I can’t go to the mall on my own because it gives me a lot of anxiety. I feel like I’m being looked at and scrutinized and my mind just can’t shut up when I go shopping. The only way I can quiet down the thoughts a bit is if I go with company, which is usually my mother. It’s something that is very embarrassing for me and frustrates me a lot. I simply cannot go on my own.
I feel absolutely numb since that. I feel like crap, like I’m the daughter she regrets having. Rationally, I know that’s not true, but I can’t help but feel it either way.
Shortly before that, she was talking about how she hates life. I thankfully got my optimism from my father, because otherwise, I would’ve ended up just like my mother. She’s a work of art. But seriously, the negativity she spews really gets to me sometimes.
It hurts. That’s what’s wrong with it. Her comments and negativity hurt.