Labile

The title of this post pretty much sums me up. There’s no other way to describe me. I’m sure other borderlines out there suffer with this too…the fleeting, intense emotions.

Today I’m OK, but yesterday I wasn’t. In a span of days I went from good, to bad, to good again. And sometimes it’s worse than that, vacillating between good and bad within hours or minutes.

Yesterday was a bad day, very bad. I had to interview a patient and the interview was evaluated by a resident. I was very nervous and completely ruined the interview. After the interview the resident told me I did poorly, but that she wasn’t going to screw me up because of that. So, she gave me a second chance and told me that we would repeat the interview today. Then she started giving me advice, telling me that if I wanted to do Psychiatry I had to speak up more during the rotation and have more initiative.

I wanted to cry. I was discharged a while later and I just sat in the car bawling my eyes out. I kept thinking that medicine wasn’t the career for me, that I should switch to another career, that it was a joke that I had ever entertained the idea of becoming a psychiatrist. The day went from OK to bad. I couldn’t study all afternoon and just sat in my room in the dark, researching alternate careers and crying. I even left a message for M at her office to please call me.

Then today came around. I was more calm right before I sat with the patient to re-do the interview. And things went smoothly. I got a 99% and positive feedback from the resident.

Because of that, it was a good day. My mood was OK, I was calm. Right back to normal. M returned my call and we talked about how we have to discuss that event in therapy.

*Sigh* It’s really frustrating how everything around me has the ability of changing my mood within seconds. It’s exhausting, actually, and it leaves me feeling embarrassed. Mood lability characterizes us borderlines. We can go from 0 to 100 in seconds.

I just wish it was easier for me to not go in auto-pilot and control my moods with more ease. It would make everything so much easier.

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