Haven’t been all too well lately.
All I can think about is my weight. It’s consuming me. I was especially triggered today because I received in the mail some clothes I ordered online on my usual size. They fit too tight. My mom made matters worse by pointing it out to me and then saying that if I ate anything I would look like a sausage. She wasn’t trying to be hurtful, it’s not like she knows about my internal weight demons, but it still hurt.
I just feel so disgusting, so unlovable, so ugly. I feel like what made me unique, my thinness, has been lost. Like I’ve said before, I know it’s irrational thinking, but I can’t help myself. I also feel like a failure because up until now I had been one of the few people in my med school class who hadn’t gained weight. It made me stand out.
A fat, ugly, failure. That’s how I feel.
In addition to my weight, I’ve also been having trouble with depression. It’s been two weeks now that I’ve been feeling depressed every day. I’ve thought that maybe it means I don’t like Psychiatry, but I doubt it. I’ve even thought about quitting medical school because I sometimes feel I can’t be a doctor. I’ve thought about alternate careers, all leading to dead ends. I know everybody in medical school at one point doubts whether it’s for them. I guess this is one of those times for me.
In theory, I like Psychiatry. In practice, I think I like it. However, I think my problem boils down to something very simple: inactivity. There’s a lot of inactivity going on at the hospital’s Psychiatry unit. Especially if you’re a medical student. Especially if you’re a shy medical student such as myself. We do morning interviews with patients which last about 10 minutes each, but after that there’s not much to do at the unit. The fourth year medical students and residents are busy hogging all the work, while us third year medical students are left hanging. I know I should be pro-active and ask for work just so I can stay busy doing something, but it’s easier said than done for someone with so much anxiety such as myself.
The periods of inactivity lead to boredom. And boredom leads to anger, suicidal thoughts, and frustration. Psychiatry isn’t the problem, I’m the problem. As usual.
I’m feeling pretty hopeless right now, and I never want to do anything, just lay on the bed. More signs of depression right there.
What is wrong with me? Where is all this pain coming from?