I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately. I have a bunch of things in my head. I’ll make a list:
- The guy hasn’t spoken to me in a week. I’m trying to forget about him but it’s been proving more difficult than I thought. The reason why I’m so unbalanced right now is the guy. He threw me off balance and now I feel abandoned and pathetic.
- Talking to patients has become even more difficult since the ObGyn rotation. I don’t know how the hell I’m going to leave a good impression in my Psychiatry rotation if I have such terrible anxiety when faced with patients.
- Been thinking about whether medicine is for me, whether I drifted into this career with eyes closed. I certainly hope not, but only time will tell. I just don’t want to end up like my mother.
- Been thinking way too much about residency (the years of specialty training). I keep thinking about whether I want to do it here in my same university or at some other place in the US. Yesterday my mom told me to stay here. It’s difficult to leave when you receive comments like those from the people who supposedly care the most about you. But what do I want?…I don’t have the slightest idea.
- I’m at the heaviest I’ve been my whole life. I went to my gynecologist recently and they weighed me there. For a few months I’ve been avoiding weighing myself because I don’t want to get triggered. However, I didn’t really have an option, and I felt like pure shit when the nurse said my weight out loud. Turns out I’ve gained 20 pounds since I was at my lowest (summer of 2012), which is the heaviest I have ever been. I can’t stop thinking about it and all I can think of is how disgusting I look and feel.
- I keep sleeping and sleeping some more. It’s been worrying me because whenever I sleep too much it means I’m falling again. Nothing elevates my mood. I feel gray and monotonous all the time.
I guess that’s all I have in my head. I can’t stop thinking about any of it. I can barely study, or do anything for that matter.
I just want it all to end.