A psychogenic effect

I feel low.
Woke up hating life.
Went to sleep wishing I didn’t wake up.

Started working at my university’s hospital in the Psychiatry unit this week. So far I like it. I haven’t had one-on-one time with the patients yet, so let’s see how things go and whether I still like it in the end.

But in spite of things being calm, of thing being relatively OK, I feel low. I’ve lost myself again.

First to blame for this is the guy. He hasn’t spoken to me in 5 days and has ignored my last messages. So, I decided to stop writing him. Was it something I did? Did I smother him? Did the fatal BPD prophecy where people get tired of you and abandon you become true in this case? I don’t know. I know nothing.

So, I feel alone within my head. I feel abandoned. I feel unloved and pathetic.

Then there’s medicine to blame. I’ve been feeling incapable of being a doctor. I have zero self-esteem career-wise. I feel stupid whenever attendings and residents ask questions. I feel like a dumbass trying to pretend she’s smart. Whenever I have to speak to patients I freeze. This didn’t use to happen before the ObGyn rotation. I used to be quite confident in the fact that I was always told I was very empathic. But then I failed everything in ObGyn…and things have just spiraled downward. It’s all been keeping me from enjoying Psychiatry. I feel like a little bug crushed in the ground.

And it hurts. It hurts to see my med school friends being confident whenever they speak to patients. And here I am, feeling completely small and incapable of interacting with the patients. I feel as though I’m much too pathetic to be a doctor, much too stupid.

I remember posting on here about my mom and how she studied medicine but regrets it every day, how I fear ending up the same as her. I was sure medicine was for me, until ObGyn came around. Now I feel like I’m going to end up like my mother, hating my life.

My only hope right now is Psychiatry.

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4 comments
  1. hey!

    I'm so sorry you've been feeling shitty. Like I said in my reply to your post, there's nothing like med school to make you feel like a complete idiot. But you can't get consumed by your perceived inadequacies or else it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I know, I know, easier said than done. But maybe you could write a list of things you are good at? Compliments that you've received? I know it sounds super lame but I've done it and it helps. It's so easy to forget your fortes.

    What is it exactly that worries you when you talk to patients? Are the attendings/residents watching you?

    And I know all too well how bad failure feels. I'm still in disbelief about the CS. It was seriously just bad luck, but it's made me lose hope in being able to control outcomes, you know? I feel like no matter what I do, there's always something working against me. Even though it was just pure bad luck, but how am I supposed to avoid that in the future?? I felt SOOO confident about that stupid exam.

    And guys… jesus… they bring a whole different kind of depression all together 😦 Lately I've been avoiding them completely and I think it's been good for me during this shitty time. At the same time, I remember how nice it was to have the emotional support of a boyfriend during hard times and I miss it so much 😦 I'm so lonely. Please remember that the majority of time, it's something that's going on with them or something about their personalities that's making them act in a way you can't understand. From what I can tell, you did absolutely nothing wrong. I know I've probably acted cold towards some guys and they probably didn't understand why, but it was just stuff I was going through or I was just too depressed/tired to put effort into it.

    Remember that medicine is a huge field and I have no doubt that you will find something in it that will make you happy. Being happy takes effort, paradoxically, and I think you have enough insight to know how to make yourself happy when it really comes down to it. I am also so freaking scared that I will end up in a residency (and thus career) that I will hate for the rest of my life. But I keep telling myself that there are some, albeit less optimal, ways to get what you want. In the end I will keep going until I find what makes me happy (I'm pretty sure Internal Medicine or Family Medicine will not, unfortunately!) You have just started the clinical aspect of medicine and it is way, way too early for you to know what you are going to like and definitely impossible at this point to know if you will enjoy medicine or not. Just keep at it and you will find what you are looking for 🙂

    Lots of love,
    K

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  2. Hi K,

    So my problem with patients is mainly due to some irrational anxiety. I freeze up. I feel so stupid lately and that has made it worse. I freeze up even when I'm alone with patients. But, honestly, it wasn't so bad until ObGyn came around. It all has to do with my lack of self-esteem. Hopefully, as I interact more and more with patients things will get easier….but I'm getting desperate by now.

    I totally understand how you feel about the CS and feeling like you can't control outcomes anymore. I mean, seriously, med school has this ability to spin your life out of control and make you feel like the stupidest, tiniest thing.

    Ugh, guys…I'm pretty lonely too. Having a boyfriend has its perks, but honestly I don't think I can manage having a boyfriend right now (been saying that for 2 years now, though). Thanks for reminding me that usually the problem is something that's going on with them…I tend to blame myself all the time and think I'm always the problem. It happens in all my relationships, not only with guys.

    I really hope I eventually fit into something in medicine. For now it's psychiatry, but let's see how the rest of this year goes. Thanks so much for you advice and words, I really appreciate it a lot, you have no idea.

    Take care

    Like

  3. Doc said:

    Hi.
    I'm new to your blog but I feel for you. When I was began nursing school I knew I wanted to be a pediatric nurse. After my peds rotation – no – hated every minute of it. Later in vet school I learned about horses and pigs and chickens but once I graduated I never gave them another thought. Pass the Ob/Gyn test next time and then forget about it. Find what you like about medicine. Psych is OK. (I guess)(ha).
    Hopefully this shit will pass soon. I can sense your intellect and empathy in your writing. Best whishes.
    Doc

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  4. Hi Doc, thank you for stopping by and commenting. I really appreciate it.

    Like

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