I feel low.
Woke up hating life.
Went to sleep wishing I didn’t wake up.
Started working at my university’s hospital in the Psychiatry unit this week. So far I like it. I haven’t had one-on-one time with the patients yet, so let’s see how things go and whether I still like it in the end.
But in spite of things being calm, of thing being relatively OK, I feel low. I’ve lost myself again.
First to blame for this is the guy. He hasn’t spoken to me in 5 days and has ignored my last messages. So, I decided to stop writing him. Was it something I did? Did I smother him? Did the fatal BPD prophecy where people get tired of you and abandon you become true in this case? I don’t know. I know nothing.
So, I feel alone within my head. I feel abandoned. I feel unloved and pathetic.
Then there’s medicine to blame. I’ve been feeling incapable of being a doctor. I have zero self-esteem career-wise. I feel stupid whenever attendings and residents ask questions. I feel like a dumbass trying to pretend she’s smart. Whenever I have to speak to patients I freeze. This didn’t use to happen before the ObGyn rotation. I used to be quite confident in the fact that I was always told I was very empathic. But then I failed everything in ObGyn…and things have just spiraled downward. It’s all been keeping me from enjoying Psychiatry. I feel like a little bug crushed in the ground.
And it hurts. It hurts to see my med school friends being confident whenever they speak to patients. And here I am, feeling completely small and incapable of interacting with the patients. I feel as though I’m much too pathetic to be a doctor, much too stupid.
I remember posting on here about my mom and how she studied medicine but regrets it every day, how I fear ending up the same as her. I was sure medicine was for me, until ObGyn came around. Now I feel like I’m going to end up like my mother, hating my life.
My only hope right now is Psychiatry.