Another difficult day today. It’s now 2am.
I was supposed to study, but instead I spent the day worrying…about everything. It wasn’t a good day. I felt depressed all over again.
I know all the characteristics for BPD. Heck, I’m a medical student in her Psychiatry rotation. However, I only know this rationally. My mind still reacts automatically the same way you would expect a BPD mind to do so, after about a year and a half in therapy. I’ve had my improvements, don’t get me wrong. I’m way better than I was when I started therapy. But I feel things have stalled a bit this last month.
I still have serious issues with abandonment. I still have issues with black and white thinking, with splitting, and with emotional dysregulation. Self-harm is still a very real problem for me. Suicidal thoughts and thoughts about death are also something I can’t seem to stop having. My moods are a special kind of hell.
It’s difficult when you know all of this rationally, observe it in yourself, but can’t stop yourself. It’s deeply frustrating.
I can’t help but question: Where do you draw the line? Where does BPD end and where does Me begin? That’s the problem with personality disorders, they’re inherently part of you. It’s not like any other mental illness, say depression, where you know the monster of sadness is not part of you. With a personality disorder you can’t help but wonder whether you’re the monster.
Just keep swimming. That’s the only option I have.