Still not OK

M almost hospitalized me yesterday.

I had an appointment with her yesterday and at the end of the appointment I told her about how I was having suicidal thoughts. You see, things have not been going well, even though today I’m feeling a bit better.

First off, like I said in my previous post, I failed the second ObGyn test I had. I also had a third test, a practical one, and it turns out I failed that one too. I honestly don’t know what happened, I thought I did well in the practical test at least. This has really affected me a lot, I’m not used to failing tests (not trying to sound arrogant). The perfectionist in me does not approve, and on Sunday, when I was told I failed the third test, I cried a lot and cut myself.

Also, my mom was being very toxic since Saturday. She was in her moods and for some reason was not talking to me. I felt like I didn’t have a mother when I most needed her for support. In addition, my sister MM also was not talking to me because we had a small argument. So, I felt like I was alone, without any support whatsoever.

Finally, the guy has really exacerbated my moods and has thrown me off balance. One moment I want to see him, the next I’m hating him.

And all of this was happening during two weeks of no therapy with M.

So, it was really a lot of things that came out at the same time. I hadn’t felt so suicidal in quite a while. I told M about these thoughts, but in the end I wasn’t brave enough to tell her I wanted to be hospitalized, so I just told her I could deal with the thoughts on my own. And somehow, she believed me.

And here I am today. Still alive.

On a positive note, it’s been three days since the Psychiatry rotation started and even though I haven’t seen patients yet, I’m in love with it. Next week I start working at the hospital, so let’s see how it goes.

I’m a bit better, though I’m still not OK. The thoughts about death and self-harming keep coming in waves.

I’m not drowning. I’m still swimming…but I’m slowly getting tired.

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