Today I finished my Ob/Gyn rotation. Had that last test and hopefully I didn’t fail it like the other one. I really hope I pass this rotation…keep your fingers crossed for me.
On Monday I begin Psychiatry, which I’ve been looking forward to for a while now. However, I can’t help but have a lot of questions in my mind about whether I am fit to be a psychiatrist and whether I have the personality for it.
All my doubts and insecurities stem from all the comments I’ve received from family, friends, and even attendings telling me not to do psychiatry. Also, last year I had an unfortunate experience at the summer internship I did, where all my insecurities were thrown at my face and I ended up suicidal because a particular person questioned my wanting to be a psychiatrist.
You see, at this particular summer internship I had a meeting with the program director one day where we discussed my career goals. I told her I wanted to be a psychiatrist. She was appalled. She questioned my motives, and went so far as to say: “I just don’t understand how someone so shy would want to be a psychiatrist.” For some reason that really got to me. I was at my lowest depression-wise, and to top it all off, this woman comes and criticizes me and questions my motives.
I was affected to such an extent that I ended up extremely suicidal that day and was thinking about slitting my wrists. But I prevailed. Instead of paying attention to the suicidal thoughts, I bought a plane ticket back home for the weekend. And one year later, I’m still here.
So that was the last time I was heavily suicidal. It doesn’t help that it had to do with my career and my wanting to be a psychiatrist. That is why I am so insecure when it comes to deciding whether I really want to go into psychiatry. In addition, it doesn’t help that I have my own mental health issues to deal with.
So finally, the point I want to get across with this post is that I’m afraid….of finding out psychiatry might not be for me, or of realizing that I’m not cut up for it.
But at the same time, I can’t help but think just how passionate I am about mental health, how much it fascinates me, how much I care about others with mental health issues…
Let’s see what happens from Monday on.