Today was an interesting day.
I saw three natural births and one C-section. I spent most of the day oscillating between seeing a particular person in all black or all white. I spent a little while entertaining the idea that I was slowly falling back again into a deep depression. And, finally, I thought about whether I have the personality to be a psychiatrist.
It was bittersweet seeing those natural births, as two of the mothers were only 16 years old. One of them was having her first baby…the other was having her third. Made me think of what I was doing when I was 16…worrying about school and obsessing over my married Ex.
Then, like I said, I spent part of the day splitting the ObGyn rotation coordinator into black and white. It all started when I gave him my evaluation form to fill out. When he finished I noticed he gave me an Ok/average evaluation and a crappy score. I was angry, because seconds before I had seen him give another student a 100%, when he barely even knew either of us. So, naturally, I started splitting him. In my mind he was all black, all evil, an asshole. Then, from anger I went to sadness. I sank lower and lower, to the point that even one of the nurses noticed and asked me why I was so sad.
It was so extreme, the splitting. So extreme, that I even started thinking I was beginning to get depressed again. (As a side-note, I fear getting depressed again this year. Something tells me that a rotation will come along that I’ll deeply hate and that will make me sink. I hope not, but it’s just a feeling I have.)
After a few hours I was talking with two other girls who are in ObGyn with me. It turns out that he gave us all the exact same score in evaluations. Instantly I was seeing the coordinator in all white. He was back to being “nice, relaxed, and fun”.
I really have a lot of trouble with splitting. It drains me.
Finally, I was thinking about whether I have what it takes to be a psychiatrist. So many people have told me not to do psychiatry, or have questioned my wanting to be a psychiatrist simply because I’m a quiet person. Is there space in psychiatry for an introvert like myself? Am I setting myself up for failure? I’m scared to find out the truth. I guess I’ll find out in my next rotation (psychiatry), which begins next Monday.
As for M…I have an appointment with M next week. I’m currently seeing her in all black, questioning her motives. Whenever I don’t see her for a long period of time I start splitting her, even hating her. I don’t know why it happens, but it bothers me and it’s really difficult to control myself.
And as for the guy…I spoke with him yesterday and on Sunday, and all seems to be well. He still wants to see me in October. Sadly, I have to admit, that I have a huge crush on him.
There’s a lot in my head right now, and I’m not feeling much because I’ve been blocking my emotions. I haven’t been paying attention to much of what’s going on around me. I’m just very afraid of not passing this rotation and having to repeat it.
I’ll keep you posted, as usual.