Unbalanced

I was doing better since my last post…until today came around.

I had a test today, the first of two tests for the ObGyn rotation. I failed it. Miserably. I got a 53%. Now I’m scared that I won’t pass this rotation and will end up having to repeat it next year. That would mean I would fall behind. In addition, it will look bad on my transcript. And I really don’t want to repeat this rotation…I haven’t liked it, so it’s not at all inviting.

I’m just very scared right now. I have another test next Friday, and my hopes aren’t very high for that one either. But, somehow, I have to pass that test and make up for this one. Did I mention I’m scared?

You know, I haven’t mentioned on here why I don’t like ObGyn. It’s just…not for me. You know when you know something isn’t for you? When you just know? Well, that’s what it’s like for me. It’s not that bad, but it doesn’t make me jump up and down with joy like Psychiatry does. Plus, I can’t get over how awkward it is to look at someone else’s parts all day.

So, back to what I was talking about…like I said, I was doing better since my last post. I haven’t talked to the guy since Tuesday. Yesterday I sent him a message asking how he was and I received no answer. So, I’ve decided against talking to him anymore. If he wants to approach me, I’ll be receptive, but otherwise I won’t look for his attention. It might sound like I’m being strong, but I’m really not. Deep inside I’m really hoping he’ll suddenly message me. I’m really very weak when it comes to men.

And how does this all relate to BPD? Well, any little blip that happens in my life decompensates me. It strikes me off balance. And this thing with the guy has really struck me hard. I hadn’t self-harmed in a while before this week, and now I’ve done it twice (don’t remember when the second time was). In addition, now that I failed this test I’m considering doing it again. Plus, in other terms, having BPD makes me very afraid of abandonment, and I’m already fearing being ignored/abandoned by the guy.

It’s all very complicated. Anything, like I said, can strike me off balance…

And I’m unbalanced right now.

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