Pain

I want to die.

Or at least I feel that way right now.

Everything’s replaying in my head. Like a mix-tape, like a CD, like a record. They’re all laughing at me. They’re looking at me, grinning their teeth, pointing and laughing. M hates me. The guy hates me. I’m unlovable.

I just spoke with the guy. I asked him if I could talk to him on Skype. He said: “No, not right now, no 😦 “. All day I’ve been thinking he’s avoiding me. Well, I guess I was right.

I’m desperate to be with someone. I’m such a fucking failure. I hate myself. I can see why others, like the guy, avoid me. The only boyfriend I can find is a married man who only wanted me for sex. I’m that pathetic. I’m trash. I’m a useless piece of trash that gets run over constantly. 

And M. She hates me. I can tell. She hates having to give me therapy. She dreads it. I’m not just any other patient to her, I’m her worst patient; the one she hates the most.

I feel very hurt. I’m in a lot of pain right now. I cut myself once, and I want to keep on doing it, deeper. I completely ruined my chances of having something happen between me and the guy and on top of that I can tell M doesn’t give a rat’s ass about me.

Why me? Honestly, why? I feel like I’m in a theater and the public is laughing and pointing at me. I can hear their laughing. My whole life has been played and replayed to their enjoyment.

I’m a piece of shit.

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