I’m such a girl

Yesterday was quite an interesting day. I saw M at noon for the appointment she scheduled. It was good, as usual, but it ended on a bittersweet note. The funny thing is, I drove 2 and a half hours back to my hometown just so I could have therapy for one hour.

It was a good appointment because she helped me see all the good things that are currently happening in my life. I tend to focus on the negatives; focusing on the positives is something I’ve been tirelessly working on in therapy.

We talked about how I like it here in the other city and how I don’t like the rotation very much. In spite of it being a relaxed and positive environment in the hospital, I can’t get myself to like Ob/Gyn. She said it’s good that at least I like the city and the environment. Then she said that it’s OK that I don’t like Ob/Gyn. And that sort of brought some internal peace upon me.

But mainly what we discussed was the guy. I told her how I’ve been talking with him non-stop since Monday, but how I still can’t figure out whether or not he has a girlfriend. The problem is, you see, that I’ve already asked him twice whether he has a girlfriend and he’s answered both times no. However, there’s this girl who sometimes posts on his facebook page that she misses him, and loves him, and wants to hug him. I mean, c’mon, “just friends” don’t exactly say they love each other.

So she told me, I should think about the emotions I’m investing in this relationship, how I should think about how much I’m willing to give knowing the possibility of being heartbroken in the near future were he to have a girlfriend. She said I have to think about whether it’s worth it investing all those emotions vs. simply asking him a third time whether this particular girl is his girlfriend. Because, she said, if he has a girlfriend, then it’s the same situation I was in with my Ex. And as always, she’s right.

For now, I’m trying to keep myself on firm ground. Trying (…doesn’t mean I’m succeeding). I’m focusing on the positive things happening in my life, such that if I do get heartbroken, then at least I have things to be thankful for. If something happens between the two of us, then great.

But I’m such a girl. I get excited whenever I talk to him…and we’ve been talking on Skype since yesterday. Am I setting myself up for heartbreak?

Finally, the last thing I talked about with M was about me cutting recently. I emailed her that I had cut myself when I did it. She told me that I can’t do that, that anything having to do with suicide or self-harm should be left out of emails because she can’t do anything to help me under those circumstances. It really hurt when she said that. I felt like a little girl being scolded. I understand what she means; however, how am I supposed to sound off if I have to censor myself? I felt pretty bad when she told me that. I was even splitting initially, but I caught myself.

It was a good appointment, like I said, but it was bittersweet. I feel like M hates me now.


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