Unwell

M wants to see me tomorrow.

I emailed her on Monday. Told her all about how I cut and how I didn’t care about it and that I would keep on doing it. I wasn’t in a good mood when I wrote her the email because I kept thinking about the guy and how bad my second conversation with him went.

But I’ve gotten better as the days have passed. I think I worried her a little bit too much. Either way, I really need to sound off and talk about what’s been up with me to somebody. So, I’ll be going to see her tomorrow. I lied my way through getting the day off tomorrow.

So, what’s been up with me? Well, first off, this week wasn’t my best. The attending I had this week really intimidated me and she kept asking me questions I didn’t know the answers to. So mainly I’ve been worried I haven’t left a good impression in this rotation. I’m really shy and quiet, and that gets in the way of me shining through. Thankfully though, I’m not interested in doing Ob/Gyn. However, I’ve learned my lesson, and when the Psychiatry rotation comes, I have to get out of my comfort zone.

Now, about the guy…I’ve been talking with him all week. I keep thinking about him constantly. However, I’m pretty sure I know what his intentions are, and they’re not at all about having a relationship, if you know what I mean. The sad part is, when I feel attracted to a guy, it’s because I want to be in a relationship with him. I think it’s impossible for me to do “no strings attached”, my BPD gets in the way.

And speaking of BPD, I’m tired of the suicidal thoughts. I’m tired of having these random thoughts pop into my head at the most inconvenient of times. Sometimes I think I’m destined to die young, at my own hands. What I’m not tired of are the self-harming thoughts. I’m almost welcoming them. It’s sad.

Really, this whole week has been a whirlwind of emotions. I’ve been going back and forth between extremes, and it’s not fun, at all. And it’s all been because of the guy. The funny part is, if you look at me from the outside you wouldn’t even notice a thing. Outside I can be monotonous and neutral, and shy.

But inside, I’m a monster.

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